Tuesday, January 16, 2007

When she's not home...

I wash her clothes when she's gone for the weekend. Shake my head when I find a baby snickers bar in the washing machine. Fold her jeans just the way she likes them and stack them on the end of her bed. I listen to music in Spanish fighting the lump in my throat. I am reminded that she is not really mine. That her world is so different from my own. Yet the crossover is amazing...often surprising. I brush a long black hair from my coat when I get into the car. Smile when I pass the Mercado. Glance down 33rd when I pass by, wondering if she's there or not. She is my daughter. Yet she belongs to another. Another mother. Another family. Another culture. Another country.

"She holds my heart out in the wind

She laughs at me when I feel this way
Windblown, restless and so afraid
But there's more to life than yesterday
So she laughs at me when I feel this way."


Here I am watching my heart out there in the wind. Watching it walk around outside of me. And, yeah, she's free. She's laughing and alive and opening her arms to the world. Laughing that I am so worried...that I find this all so painful. And, yeah, there's more to life than yesterday. There's today and the whole rest of the future. There are the places where our paths meet and run along together for a while, where she is not wholly an "other." Where she is part of me and I am a part of her in spite of not being part of each other's yesterdays. And I am windblown, restless, and so afraid.

So, I fold up the laundry, the towels she brought with her and insists upon using. I hang the jazzy shirts in the closet and breathe deeply the smell of her. I plan a trip to the science museum for when she's home. Plan to make the foods she'll love. Push down the butterflies in my stomach wondering what I'll say when she comes home. How to comfort her sadness. How to speak love in a way she understands.


  1. Yes Midnight, that’s how it is. Your words capture it all so perfectly. They are just as poignant and poetic as the words you quoted. I just want to say that I am thankful for your insight. I am thankful that we are partners in all of this. To think that I was the confidant one when we started out on this venture, welcoming Vespera into our home… I have learned to respect and value you and your insight so much, I value how caring you are, how you look out for me, bail me out of the jams I get my self into etc.

    This entry and many others are a gem. It is so important to capture these moments and the feeling of this time. Everything can be so poignant, fleeting, so here, now and in the present.

    Love always

  2. ((((MC)))) What a wonderful and difficult thing. And you expressed it so beautifully. I pray the Lord will comfort and bless all of you!

  3. Awwwww, you two are SOOOOO preciously good to eachother. I pray that the grace of God gives you strength in this season with Vespera.


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