Monday, September 25, 2006
Life has been a whirlwind of camp, summer homework, and then school starting and soccer season for the last few months. Vespera came home to us after a long weekend with her family. I sense that our relationship is turning into something new now. It's painful, and yet I'm filled with curiosity. This summer she needed me a lot, and it was intense. She cried and I held her. We walked arm in arm. With the start of school, I think she feels less alone, and I am less her sole comfort. I see less of the deep emotional part of her, and I think the intensity has cooled a bit. Now, it's time for her and I to do the real work of building a relationship. The desperation of the summer months has passed and we are learning the dance of life together. It occured to me that I'm not sure how to be affectionate with her when she's not crying or upset. I'm not sure how to reach out and hug and love her when we're just here, us, being family. It's the German part of me showing up. And I think it's a bit of fear, too. I want to be the right person, do the right thing. God help me. I'm not perfect, but I sure want to be. I don't want to make mistakes with her. She seems so fragile sometimes. Dear perfect God in heaven, show me the way.