The way I sleep these days...it's like having a newborn. Don't even both going to sleep during that first sleep cycle because she'll be up again, just one more time, before she settles in. Then lie awake thinking of how I should be sleeping because she'll wake again soon, and she'll need me, and, so, I should get some rest. But I can't. Just because I know I should.
We spent 2 nights at the hospital to try to figure out what is wrong. Mane wakes (or doesn't wake, depending on how you look at it), once, twice, sometimes three times a night, nearly every night...confused and upset. She doesn't remember in the morning. Her EEG says she's asleep when this is happening. Last year's EEG said it could be seizures. This year's EEG says it isn't seizures. Which is a relief. But not. Because we still don't know what to do. And we're still sleep deprived, delirious, irritable, and emotional.
I'm horrible when sleep deprived. Low on patience. Low on everything. Mane is also somewhat horrible when sleep deprived (and I mean that in the nicest possible way), but, for her that means being HIGH on seemingly everything. High energy. Frenetic. Frantic. High needs. High maintenance.
I try to remember. But remembering makes me sit down and cry. I remember that she is my baby. That she's still so young. That she has her daddy's brown eyes. And she looks like me. I remember that she is soft and vulnerable, sensitive, creative, passionate. If I remember, I can be more patient.
