Judgment Seat

When I was in junior high or so and had been babysitting for some years, I remember thinking to myself that I wouldn't be one of those parents who let their kids drag around naked dolls. I like clean, nicely dressed baby dolls. I still do. But now I understand that children seem to live for the very act of stripping the baby doll naked. And once the dolly is naked, they can happily drag the dolly everywhere.

And, for a while, I thought I knew how to have children who were perfectly behaved in public and who were charming and brilliant and gracious all-in-one. I thought I could reduce parenting to some kind of formula. If I do A, B, and C, then my children with be X, Y, and Z.

Then I had my first child. And I learned very quickly that A, B, and C do not equal X, Y, and Z because this fails to account for personality traits O, P, and Q, and life circumstances F, G, and H, and allergies T, U, and V. Yes, that's a lot of letters. And the combinations are endless.

I say this today because I've encountered some eye rolling and backhanded comments with regard to mine (and others) parenting, and I feel like it's time to make it clear what I believe and what I don't believe.

I can tell you the things I won't do as a parent: I won't hit or in others ways harm my child's body or invade her personal space. I won't call names, yell, guilt or demean. I don't want to make her behave well at the expense of her learning that her body is not hers or learning to hate herself. I don't want her to be externally motivated by fear of punishment. How will she behave when she's on her own if she's only motivated by fear of me and what I might do or say to her? How will she know how to make good decisions for herself if I've always "made" her "be good?"

My goal is behavior that comes from within because my children have learned what the right things are and how to do them. My goal is to love them in such a way that they know how to love and respect others. My goal is for my children to show kindness and compassion out of the overflow of kindness and compassion that has been shown to them.

I believe that children who are forced to do and be act in certain ways do not learn to make their own decisions. In fact, they may not really even have any idea who they are or what they want because they've always been told what to do and how to be. Of course, children who are not forced to act in particular ways will, certainly, make mistakes. Mistakes are an opportunity, though. They are an opportunity for us to teach our children forgiveness and reconciliation and grace. A child who is always punished and shamed for mistakes will only learn to punish and shame others when they make mistakes.  A child, who has experienced forgiveness and learned how to make things right, will forgive others and extend the grace that allows others to make things right. I want to lead a life of grace so that I may leave a legacy of grace.

Lost and Found

We rode the city bus to Lifetime Fitness to go swimming. Mane and I chatted and ate snacks (yes, I know we're not supposed to eat on the city bus). Then we hopped off the bus when we got to our stop. No sooner had the bus driven away than Mane said, "Where's my purse?!!!" and burst out crying. It's a really cute purse. She got it from Vespera for her birthday. It contained her hairbrush, a spray bottle of water, and the sweetest little printed napkins that she received from her friend for Hanukkah.

We sat down on the couches inside the fitness center, and I put in a call to the bus garage. I learned that if the purse contained ID, they would actually STOP the bus and help us find the fastest way to catch up with it in order to get the purse back. However, since it didn't contain anything...um...important, they couldn't hold up the bus. I didn't know they'd ever hold up the bus for anything. So, that we new information! In any case, the bus garage operator helped us figure out when the same bus would be passing our way in the opposite direction. Then we could board the bus and check for the purse.

We had to wait an hour. Mane was beside herself. So, I took her out for ice cream. (Yes, we live in MN and it's freezing outside, but this was an emergency.) The ice cream made her feel better for a while. She told me her mouth was happy, in any case. But as the time drew nearer for the bus to arrive, she started getting anxious, imagining someone else carrying her purse off the bus and taking it home to their own little girl. I didn't want to promise her that it would be there. So, we just waited and hoped, talking about all the possible scenarios.

At 12:04pm we boarded the bus. I said to the bus driver, "We were on this same bus about an hour ago, and my daughter left a little blue purse with stars on it. Did someone turn it in?"

All the other passengers in the first few rows, who could hear my question, leaned forward in their seats. I kid you not, the bus grew quiet in these few tense seconds of anticipation.

Mane stood anxiously.

The bus driver reached beside his seat and pulled out the purse!

Mane laughed and we thanked him profusely.

Then we turned to face the rest of the bus. Everyone was grinning from ear to ear, old men and young, mothers and grandmothers, and a few whom I sure did not even speak English. The whole story played out on our faces and in our gestures, and it wasn't too hard to figure out what happened. I almost felt the bus break into silent applause.

I thought about how this feeling is one we can all relate to, one we long for...to find and be found.

I once was lost, but now I'm found. Amazing Grace.

Top book picks of 2010

I read a LOT this year. Some books I chose for myself and others I read at the recommendation of others. Some were fiction, some non-fiction, some were picture books and others were young adult reads. Most of them I thoroughly enjoyed. I thought I'd pass on a few of my very favorite books from several genres for your consideration...

Children's Picture Book:
 Ben and Lucy Play Pond Hockey - Mango's cousin, Andrew Sherburne, wrote this book, and it came out just in time for Christmas 2010! The book followed Andrew's co-production of the film, Pond Hockey, in 2008. We love this book, not just because Andrew wrote it, but because it feels so much like home. Snow and ice are a reality of life here in MN, and fewer and fewer kids are getting out to play in it. Ben and Lucy are a sweet reminder to get out and play! 

Grade-School Fiction:
The Higher Power of Lucky by Susan Patron - This one wins my top choice hands down! Click on the link, and you can read a review on my homeschool blog!

Non-Fiction:
Such a Road by Philip Solem - The story of the marriage of a nun and a priest, written by the priest himself, captured my interest in early 2010, and I have continued to mull over bits and pieces of the story from time to time all year. The book was not anything I expected when I first picked it up. It's not sensationalist, not a romance, not even a statement about the Catholic church. (And it's not particularly well-written, either. Sorry, Mr. Solem.) It's the story of two people with strongly held spiritual and political beliefs, who joined together in those beliefs and lived them out in the best way they knew how. It's the story of their effort to live communally with others and to raise their children. It's the story of how their faith and spirituality changed over time and how they had the strength and flexibility to give each other room to grow while still maintaining connection. I'll be re-reading this one in 2011.

Self-Help:
The Blue Zones: Lessons For Living Longer from the People Who've Lived the Longest by Dan Buettner - The title pretty much says it all! Buettner reports his research findings after spending time with people groups from five distinct regions of the world where people tend to live to be older than a century.

Cooking:
Mexican Everyday by Rick Bayless -  If you want to cook Mexican food, and you love your crockpot, you'll be delighted to know that this book includes crockpot/slow cooker recipes, as well as instructions for doing the same recipes in a dutch oven or on the stovetop. How's that for versatile? Another thing I love about this book is that each recipe includes variations for how to do something similar with a different meat or vegetable. We haven't made anything from this cookbook yet that we didn't like!

Enjoy!

Big Snow!

When it snows this much, even in MN, it's worth documenting...

Notice the chair buried on the left...

The birds are loving my mother-in-law's bird feeders!

Mr. Cardinal all puffed up to keep himself warm in the -22 windchill

A Landing Place

Our Table on the 4th Night of Chanukah, Second Week of Advent

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I wrapped my hands around the cup of hot tea and closed my eyes. Just briefly. And in those few seconds with my eyes closed, I smiled. Guitars and voices filled the room with music. This has always been where I feel peaceful: surrounded by people I love and the sound of music. We had already lit the Shabbat candles, stood under the tallit to be blessed, heard the sound of the shofar, and enjoyed our meal and Torah discussion together. Now the children screamed happily in the basement, the baby passed from one family member to another, we chatted and sipped hot tea.

These are the other pilgrims on our journey. They believe Jesus, and they believe in the importance of honoring the Jewish history of Jesus. They believe in the importance of traditions, rituals, within our families and among fellow pilgrims - not in following traditions in a legalistic way, but in enjoying tradition, honoring it, and letting it point us to Jesus. 

We first met with them six weeks ago. Six weeks ago I realized that we found the place where we belong. It isn't the Western church. It isn't church in any traditional sense at all. It is church in its truest incarnation - people who are bound together by the love of Jesus and who serve God and serve each other in a way that draws others to God. No judgment regarding various traditions, just fellowship and study in the presence of other believers.

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The Messianic tradition is something that has interested me for a long time. Mango & I attended a few different Messianic congregations while we were looking for a church in our early marriage. My favorite Mama message board (Gentle Christian Mothers) has a large contingent of people who participate in Jewish/Biblical holidays and traditions (whether they are Jewish by birth or not). Then, a few years back, I met a wonderful woman who became one of my dearest friends, and her husband began a ministry organization called Hebrew For Christians. A few months ago they invited us to join them for their Shabbat meal and Torah study. I cannot begin to tell you how rightly this fits our family and our faith. When most people think of the roots of Christianity, they think of Augustine and Thomas Aquinas. Later, we think of Martin Luther and Charles Wesley. The Messianic movement takes church history all the way back to its roots - the Hebrew people, the promise of God to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the rituals and traditions instituted by God for the benefit of the people of God, the Jewish people.

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In saying these things, I want to be careful to acknowledge that there are many, many ways to follow God. You don't have to follow a set of rituals and instructions to be a Christian person. You don't have to believe me or your neighbor or your pastor or your best friend. You just have to believe God. We've been on this journey for a very, very long time, and this is our landing place for now. 

I didn't actually think we were ever going to come to a landing place. When I began writing about church this summer (see the Highway blog), I had no idea where it would lead. In a strange way, this has been a much more public journey than I would have chosen. Had I known we were going to land here, I would have begun writing here, and then you wouldn't have heard the groaning and frustrations of my previous posts. Perhaps, I had to make the plea aloud, speak the desire to land somewhere, before we could be cleared for landing.

Untitled

It's been a while since I've blogged in an ordinary sort of way, and I'm finding myself a bit paralyzed by the vast empty space before me with seemingly nothing to write about. It's not that my life hasn't been it's usually wild and crazy ride. It's just that it hasn't been all the inspirational. ...or it hasn't slowed enough for me to see the inspiration.

I'm thinking that maybe if I give ya'll the rundown of my life since this summer, I'll be able to see the inspiration in it, and, maybe, I'll find myself more grounded after writing it all out...

So, first, from about mid-July to mid-September Mane had terrible night-wakings every single night after falling asleep, sometimes several times a night. We described these as night terrors, but the waking episodes haven't really fit the description of anything. After several weeks of trying various dosages of melatonin and calcium/magnesium supplements, she slept better, but not until I'd made an appointment with a family doctor.

My gut told me something wasn't right. I sure felt silly about it, but I was having persistent thoughts that this could have something to do with Mango's brother's epilepsy. So, we visited a family doc,
who sent us to a neurologist,
who sent us in for an MRI
and a sleep-deprived EEG.

A few weeks of testing later, and we have a diagnosis of nighttime seizures (Benign Rolandic Epilepsy, to be exact)- not exactly what we expected but not entirely surprising, either, given those persistent thoughts I'd been having. If she continues to do well with the melatonin, we won't medicate, and we'll simply wait it out. These types of seizures are supposed to taper off and go away in late adolescence.

So, there's that.

And I got a part time job...going to people's houses and helping rid them of head lice. (Yes, I know, weird, huh?) There's a good story behind this one, though:

After school started this year, I began contemplating how I might be able to contribute financially to the family life here at The Midnight Cafe. The previous year had been one of huge expenses - from medical bills to car transmissions - and I was feeling guilty for staying home with Mane. I was finally feeling really good about homeschooling, but I was wondering if I wasn't being selfish keeping her home and not going out and getting a job. I wondered if this was God's way of telling me that I should put her in school. I started doubting whether I was actually doing a good job or not. ....the thoughts started snowballing and tumbling all over each other, getting bigger and bigger.

So, I was driving around in my oh-so-cool minivan on a Monday by myself, and I began to pray. I begged God for an answer. I prayed and begged and probably whined a little...and then I sat around biting my nails and waiting. On Wednesday that same week, I met up with a friend, who had just started this lice business, and she said she was looking for partners. I signed up. And you know what? I found out that I actually have the patience and focus to...um...nit-pick for several hours at a time. Who knew? I don't know if that's a gift or not, but it's getting us out of the financial pit. And I feel that I've gotten confirmation that homeschooling is still the right thing for us. It's such a relief to feel that snowball of cold doubt melt away.

Now that I've written out these two stories side by side, I'm kind of amazed. Really, I believe that the intuitive voice that was telling me that Mane could be having issues related to seizures just had to be the voice of God. I remember even wondering at the time where in the world that thought came from. It came to me out of the clear blue in the middle of the night and was so urgent that I got up in the morning and made a doctor's appointment. Then I begged God for this answer regarding homeschool and finances, and there it came. And the answer meets our needs so specifically. The job is flexible, pays well, and allows me to spend time with a good friend!

My fabulous women's Bible study began a new study in September, too. The study is by Beth Moore and is entitled, Believing God.

Friends, I have some reasons to believe God. There is some inspiration in my life after all!

Peace!

Praying this prayer for a friend today...

I ran into this poem in Madeleine L'Engle's book, A Swiftly Tilting Planet. In the book the words "At Tara" in the first line are often replaced with the words, "With ______," depending on who needs the "rune" or prayer at any given point in the story. Today, I am praying this prayer for a friend. Feel free to fill in the blank with names or places that need prayers in your life today....

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Patrick's Rune by Madeleine L’Engle

At Tara in this fateful hour
I place all Heaven with its power
And the sun with its brightness,
And the snow with its whiteness,
And the fire with all the strength it hath,
And the lightning with its rapid wrath,
And the winds with their swiftness along their path,
And the sea with its deepness,
And the rocks with their steepness,
And the earth with its starkness:
All these I place
By God’s almighty help and grace
Between myself and the powers of darkness!