Young Love

Dear Adults who like to give my daughter advice about dating and/or marriage,

Please stop.

As you may know, every person is different. In other words, what works (or does not work) for one person may not (or may) work for another. And cultural norms do not make something right or wrong.

Standard advice in our culture seems to be to wait until after college to get married. I understand that many young people are simply not ready to make that kind of decision before they're through college. I want you to understand that some are. And telling them to wait when they already know they belong together can be damaging, too. It creates this dynamic of uncertainty, of not really being able to rely on that relationship quite yet as a solid, steady thing. It gives them a feeling of walking along the edge of a cliff all the time. A state of limbo. Ambiguity. Not-knowingness. And then they spend their energy wondering where the relationship is going, rather than just living life together and getting their education.

Now, some young people will claim that they've found the "right one" when they really know nothing about who the right person would be or what they actually really want. Some people think they've found their soulmate when they haven't really even found their own soul. I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about the rare and beautiful circumstances when two young people are sure, clearheaded, self-aware, mature, and able to make a commitment of the marriage magnitude.

What I want you to know about my daughter is that you don't really know which category she falls in. You don't know how she's been handling relationships or her education. But I do. I can tell you that she has been thoughtful, and she has worked hard. I can tell you that she has the ability to focus, not only on school & her boyfriend, but also on family, friends, volunteer work, and preparing for college.

When you tell her to wait until she's finished with college you're telling her either one of two things. Maybe you're telling her to keep on dating but not to get married. If that's the case, you're telling her to continue with the high stress & high maintenance that a dating relationship requires without the stability and trust that comes of a committed marriage relationship. Remember, we've already talked about maturity and whatnot. Assuming that she's mature enough to make this kind of decision, you're telling her NOT to make the very decision that would loosen some of the tension in her life and create a place of security. Yes, I know that marriage is hard work. I promise you that dating (or even courting) is more.

OR, maybe you're telling her that relationships take too much time and effort while she's in college and she should walk away from this one. I can't begin to tell you how disrespectful that is...of her choices and the work that she's already done to build this relationship. You're also telling her to let go of something very promising, perhaps the most precious gift she will ever receive in her lifetime...not knowing whether that gift will come back to her when she's through with college or not.

And, honestly, though I value education, I value people more. Vespera's Novio has been her novio for more than 2 years, and they have both worked for this relationship. Neither of them are disposable. They are not something for you to wave aside with a sweeping statement about the importance of education and of waiting for serious relationships until the end of college. They didn't go looking for this kind of relationship. It came to them. And this is where they are...at the very beginning of their college careers, fighting the cultural norms and the sweeping generalizations about young love.

Your encouragement, respect and support would be appreciated.

Thanks,
MaMidnightCafe

Emerging

Once again, I feel that I'm emerging from miles under the sea. We here at The Midnight Cafe have been busy. Life has been full. And it seems like years have passed since I last had space in my mind to really think. As you can see from the photos, Vespera & Novio both graduated this month. Both graduated with high honors. And now they're preparing for college...for life beyond those thirteen years of required education.

In the week after Vespera's graduation we frantically made plans for her party. We planned a party with her birth family that combined the quinceanera that she never had with her graduation. She did much of the planning herself, as each person who contributed to the party had to contact her to make their plans. It was an amazing amount of work. We did a lot of clothes shopping, dance practice, and gluing little orange ribbons around the napkins in that week before the party. When it was all over Vespera declared, "That was SO much fun, and I am never, ever doing that again." Sounds exactly how someone ought to sound when it's all over. ;)

Three days after the party we left on a camping trip...Mango & I, Vespera, Mane & Novio. The trip was also some kind of crazy whirlwind: Rain at night,campfire food, a movie in Rochester, picnics in various parks, naps in the park, swimming in the Whitewater River, tubing down the Cannon River, shopping in Redwing, exploring Alexis Bailey Vineyard, and taking a LOT of pictures!

Three days after that we went to Vespera's college orientation. She spent the night at the college and made some friends (not surprisingly) already.

Tomorrow Vespera will be leaving for French Camp.

Whew.

Thousand Word Thursday

Vespera & Novio after Novio's graduation today...

Thousand Word Thursday

One of our favorite parts of the May Day Parade this year was the band that played while lying down in the intersection:

So, why did God plant the tree?

This is cross-posted at if life is a highway.

The question that stuck with me after my most recent meeting with my Bible study group was this: Why did God put the tree in the garden in the first place? I mean, ultimately, the tree represents the ability of people to choose their own destruction. If God did not give people the ability to choose, life would still be perfect in the garden of Eden. Perfect. Instead, the "gift" of free choice means that we live in a world where murder, rape, hunger, disease, and greed exist right alongside compassion, generosity, abundance, health, and joy. Love crashes and shatters against evil every day. Perfection does not exist.

So, why?

The best answer that I know of is that God wanted us to CHOOSE. God wants us to freely choose relationship with God, which means that there has to be another choice. Otherwise we are robots, creatures who worship God because that's what we were created to do, but not because we choose God. And, honestly, I believe that God wants to be chosen. God doesn't desire relationship with beings who have no choice.

God gave us the dignity of being free. God grants us the respect of autonomous beings.

I mentioned (in my Bible study) that it's a little like being parents. We could, potentially, protect our children from risk (and also choice and freedom) for much of their lives, maybe even their whole lives if we did a good enough job of isolating them. But then who would our children be? We've all heard of people who have been so isolated they can hardly function, and they certainly cannot think for themselves. They have no personality, no individual personhood.

Having read a fair amount about different types of parenting, I know that kids who are raised by more strict parents, especially strict conservative Christian parents may be less likely to endure a tumultuous adolescence, but they are also less creative, less adventurous, and less engaging than their peers who have been allowed more freedom...including the freedom to make some stupid choices.

Another wise parent in the Bible study group responded that, of course, she allows her son some choices...but she wouldn't let him set himself on fire and dance naked on the kitchen table. ;) In other words, she limits his choices to protect his life.

It seems that God didn't do that. God put that tree right there in the garden and did not prevent people from eating the fruit that would lead to destruction...to unspeakable pain and evil.

I'm sorry to admit that I became swallowed up in my own thoughts after that and lost the discussion, and by the time I returned the topic had moved on (we were discussing The Shack, and there's plenty there to talk about).

Here's what I was thinking, though. It's true that while my children are young, I protect them from the serious choices, choices that could mean the difference between life and death. I don't let Mane run out into the street or set herself on fire. But, very recently, I've been faced with the fact that I cannot do that with Vespera. I cannot protect her from every choice that has the potential to harm her.

If I remove her choice, her freedom, even in cases where her life could be in danger, I destroy our relationship. I'm willing to beg, plead, and persuade when I think she's making an unwise choice. But if I cross over the line into removing her freedom, I open a chasm between us. We can talk, negotiate, and argue...unless I take away her freedom. Then I've shut down communication, broken the lines, built a wall, or whatever else you want to call it. And we are left with a quiet, empty chasm between us.

And God is a God of relationship, a God who wants to communicate with us, even if it's to argue and persuade. There's simply nothing to say if we don't have any choices. So, God gave us choices to keep our relationship.

I've been trying to post this for 3 days and keep changing it. So, go easy on me. I'd love a discussion if ya'll have anything to say, ask, or argue.

Thousand Word Thursday

My Mother's Day present:




Backyard Honeysuckles:


Spring has definitely sprung:

If you ever wonder whether or not spanking is OK...

Here's a beautiful story I just read:

"Never Violence"

a story told by Astrid Lindgren

[Author of Pippi Longstocking]

"Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence." In 1978, Astrid Lindgren received the German Book Trade Peace Prize for her literary contributions. In acceptance, she told the following story.

"When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking - the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, "Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me."

All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery - one can raise children into violence."

I think that too often we fail to feel situations "from the child's point of view," and that failure leads us to teach our children other than what we think we're teaching them.