Finals

Despite the rough afternoon, yesterday ended with sweetness and peace, and we all trundled ourselves off to bed around midnight, feeling relaxed and loved. Mango has his voice back, Vespera is feeling better, Mane has slept well for 2 nights in a row, and I am no longer overcome with anxiety...though I still apparently have a low grade fever.

It feels like finals week when we all just have to push through to the end. We have to give the last ounces of energy to be sure we've dotted all our "i"s and crossed all our "t"s in order to make the grade and be done. I remember during finals week in college the way that everyone's physical health seemed to decompensate, and mental health teetered on the brink. Even the computers seemed to have had enough - crashing and coming down with viruses. As horrible as it sounds, if I can think of this trip to the Embassy as finals week in college, I think I can stave off the tides of anxiety...or at least hold my breath and let the waves roll over me rather than drowning. It's just something we have to get through.

Honestly, I feel...

Anxious. Very Anxious. Almost incapacitated. I'm sitting here waiting for the Rescue Remedy to kick in. In a few short weeks this will all be over. ...and then who will I be? What will it be like to be me without the huge knot of worry about immigration hanging over my head? What will it be like to be our family? What kind of new dance are we going to have to learn once our stomachs are no longer tied in knots?

Vespera has been suffering migraines...not helped, I'm sure, by her new braces. I've had a fever for 4 straight days. Mango has lost his voice. Mane can't sleep at night.

This is where a life of total faith begins.

Again.

I thought I knew what faith was before. But it appears that...

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

And I don't really think that verse has anything to do with desired outcomes or being sure of the things we really want. It's being sure of the final outcome. In the end justice, mingled with grace and mercy will surely triumph.

But I still really want MY desired outcome. I want what I am hoping for. Desperately.

Henna

So, I learned to do henna this last week...

The Journey Begins

Our number one concern about our travels to Mexico has been finding a safe place to stay. Generally I'm not one to worry about safety, but, let's face it, staying in a hotel in Mexico is decidedly less appealing than staying in a hotel in the States, unless you're in a resort town, which we most certainly will not be.

Fortunately for us, my parents were missionaries in Mexico for 9 years, and later they were missionaries at a Hispanic church in Utah. They have some connections. We were hoping to find people who could help us figure out where to stay or who might even offer their homes or their churches for us to sleep. So, my dad did some calling, and a pastor he knows recommended that they call a church in Texas that is affiliated with this pastor's church. So, my dad put in a call for us. It turns out that the church has a missionary couple in the town in Mexico where we'll be. The couple runs a school AND the school has a dormitory where we can stay!! Not only that, but the missionary couple said they would meet us on the U.S. side of the border and be our tour guides through the town and to the school.

We are totally just falling all over ourselves in excitement about this. First, it means we won't be staying in a hotel. Second, we won't be sleeping on some family's living room floor either. While this would be safer than a hotel, staying at someone's home is an inconvenience to the family and an extra stress for us. AND we won't be staying in a church, which would have us concerned about being alone and targets for robbery and vandalism. We could not imagine a better situation than staying in a Christian school dorm. God heard our prayers.

The journey begins.

A trip to the Embassy

After talking it over with Mango, we decided that it would be ok to write about Vespera's immigration situation here, although it is politically sensitive. I need the writing outlet and was planning to write here or in a paper journal. I enjoy writing here because I know that my friends read, and it gives everyone the chance to see where we're really at.

So, we finally have an appointment at the Consulate/Embassy in Mexico for Vespera to obtain an immigrant visa. Most people raise their eyebrows at that. No, she is not automatically allowed in the U.S. because we adopted her...just because she is our daughter, part of family, and deeply loved here. Although she's been in the States since she was 2 years old, she has no legal documentation for crossing the border. So, two years after her adoption we were allowed to apply for her immigrant visa, and, now, almost another year later, she has been granted an interview at the Embassy in Mexico. Yes, we have to go to Mexico. And, no, the "powers that be" do not have to allow her back in to the States. Although we're confident that her visa will not be denied, it can technically still be denied. So, in fact, the United States government can tell us that our daughter cannot live with us in the United States.

What I have said to Vespera over and over again since her adoption is that we will not leave her anywhere. She has been abandoned enough times in her life to be afraid that we might. I think it's probably only in the last year that she's really begun to know in her heart that we would never leave her. We will not walk away. And we will fight for her, for her life, for her future, for ability to live in the States and be free.

So, although, we're not making a "plan B" in case the visa is denied, one thing is certain. We won't leave her. This is ultimately what I suppose it means to "be Jesus" to our children. "...the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 3:16) We go with her, and we will not forsake her.

I keep a whiteboard on the fridge keeping everyone posted on the happenings for the week. I was writing out the new week yesterday while Vespera & Novio sat in the kitchen sharing a banana. Novio started counting the days until we leave. I saw that look of anxiety cross his face, and I directed him to a scripture I posted over the sink just yesterday afternoon.

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Ok, hang on...I need to post a side note. I am not typically the type of person who posts Bible verses. I have always thought of it as sort of kitchy and often insincere. I am teaching my childbirth class, though, about how the repetition of affirmations can help move beliefs from our brain to our bodies, and I'm coming to realize that there are some truths that I desperately need to move from my brain box out into my body and the rest of my life. I need to physically feel the truth in order to dispose of the fear and anxiety. So, as corny as I feel about it, I'm tacking Bible verses on my wall. I need to go back to the elementary school of faith and memorize the facts. God even commanded the people of Israel to do this with the things they really needed to remember...

"These commandments that I give you today
are to be upon your hearts.
Impress them on your children.
Talk about them when you sit at home
and when you walk along the road,
when you lie down and when you get up.
Tie them as symbols on your hands
and bind them on your foreheads.
Write them on the doorframes of your houses
and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:6-9)

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Ok, so Novio walked over to the sink and began reading...

But now, this is what the LORD says—
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name;
you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...(Isaiah 43:1-3)

When he finished, I said, "See, God is going to Mexico with us. It will be ok."

He replied, "Yes, but is God coming back?"

We all had a good laugh.

Yes, I hope so.

We are thankful for laughter. And for the deep love that surrounds us as we make our travel plans. And for those of you reading our story, sending your love and your prayers with us as we move through this time. Thank you.

Mango's Birthday

Dear Mango,

Happy Birthday, my dear beloved soul friend…my love…

I am so thankful for you every single day of this crazy, wild life. You are strong and steady, so passionate and compassionate. I love your intensity, your commitment to me, to our family, to God. I always know that I can rely on you to follow through with the callings we have together, even when it’s scary and more difficult than we could ever have imagined. You have reminded me day in and day out of the faithfulness of God…with your words and with your own faithfulness.

I wish that I could express to you the enormous love I hold in my heart for you. I’m learning, though, that to express that love is the work of a lifetime.

Thank you for being who you are,
For loving me,
For giving up time you need for other things to be with me,
For constantly telling me how much you appreciate me,
For teaching Mane to be helpful just by your example,
For helping to plan Christmas surprises and Christmas trips for our family,
For being willing to give up a comfortable life to live the life God has called us to,
For being patient with me,
For telling me your thoughts.
I am so proud of you…
I’m proud of you for learning the guitar, and it *is* soothing to hear you play,
I’m proud of you for finding all those snowboards on Craig’s list,
I’m proud of all you know about computers and music and history and life and theology,
I am proud of your ability to learn Spanish.
I love your eyes, your hands, your face, your lips, your warmth.

I am so glad you are here.

Happy Birthday!

All my love,
MidnightCafe

Perfection

Nothing in life is perfect, right? Right. Yet, somehow, in all the imperfection, I'm finding myself in timeless moments of real, genuine happiness and contentment. This is, in my opinion, about as close to perfection as one can get in this life. To feel contentment. To know that God is navigating. To have a little family with a lot of love.

I still have these crazy bouts of anxiety, feeling my stomach tied in knots and my heart a heavy weight in my chest. I know what prolonged, chronic uncertainty does to the inside of a person. Ambiguity is not my friend.

But there are moments, perhaps all the more poignant for the ambiguity surrounding them, where this deep, beautiful refined gold comes through all the bleeding watercolors.

Christmas was like that this year. Novio spent much of Christmas with us. He & Vespera shuttled back and forth from our family to his, celebrating and becoming more deeply embedded in each other's lives and families. We went sledding/snowboarding all together on Christmas day, under a bright sun. Vespera laughed and held my hands trying to find her feet on her snowboard. Mane and I careened down the hill screaming on her sled. Mango and I pressed our cold lips together and smiled, beaming with love and happiness for our children and ourselves.

"Children" is quickly coming to refer to all three of them - Mane and Vespera and Novio. We took them all to Powder Ridge the Monday after Christmas to try out their new snowboards. Mane (with Mango's assistance) snowboarded several times down the hill and even learned how to stop! (The most important skill in snowboarding, I hear.) Vespera declared at the end of the day that she had "learned a whole lot." After all, she started the day have only been on a snowboard once before. Then she took an hour snowboard lesson, learned to use the rope tow, went up and down the beginner hill for several hours, rode the chair lift, and snowboarded a nice run down the "mountain." We all could have kept going all night if it hadn't been for our aching bodies after 5 hours or so.

Novio did one last run down the hill while Vespera & I watched. Well, she watched, and I watched her. More and more often I see the woman in her face. I see her honest love for Novio, an expression marked by almost two years of steadily building this relationship. She has worked hard. They have worked hard together. I was reminded of the beginning of an e.e. cummings poem...

my love is building a building
around you,
a frail slippery house,
a strong fragile house

I wrote that poem out for Mango in our anniversary book one year. I am reminded when I see Vespera & Novio of how true it is - strong and fragile. That's how it is when humans are in relationship with each other. And, oh how beautiful it is when you can finally see the building in the middle of all the work.

My heart feels all that pride and love and bittersweetness to see my daughter building her own building.

And to see Mane conquering her fears and learning to persevere. She is growing strong and courageous. I wonder who she will become? So many things are still just forming in her personality, her character. I want to be present for each moment, but I also look with excitement to the future. I love to see her grow and learn.

And I am so content. So happy. So full of joy. Not really perfection, but as close as it comes.