MANGO

Introducing: My dear, sweet husband's new internet "handle." Thanks to all who made suggestions for him, including, but not limited to, MidnightMenu and MidnightSpecial.

My wonderful man will now be known as "Mango" wherever I go on the internet. That's pronounced the Spanish way: Mahn-go. Meaning: one who is sweet, delicious, juicy, irresistable, refreshment to my thirsty eyes, nourishment in the midst of my daily life, the one I love and live for...

It was Vespera who helped me stumble upon this handle, and it stuck. I asked her what word she uses in Spanish when referring to some gorgeous dude she passes on the street. Her prompt reply: "Mango!"

So, there it is.

The Road Less Travelled

I wanted to say that this blog isn't about anything. It isn't about adoption or granola living or politics or homeschooling. Though all of those things are high on my radar. And it isn't about Harry Potter or Tolkien. Though, I have an awful lot to say about both of them. It just is. It's where I'm at. Day by day.

So, last night I drove home from my cousin's house and I listened to Amy Grant in the car. First, I thought how disgusted certain people might be that I still listen to Amy Grant. Then, I decided that it was me & Mane in the car and we were going to play it as loud as we wanted. The song of choice was I Surrender All. I am captured by the lines:

Take me, Jesus.
Take me now.

I am here. And I have given my life over and over to do whatever it is that I'm supposed to do.

So, I took the road less traveled, and it's totally as unclear and untraveled further down, ok folks? Don't kid yourself into thinking that once you get so far upon that less traveled road, you'll suddenly find the way sunny and clear. Yes, there are patches of sunshine. And sometimes we just sit in them for a while to warm our backs. But then we get up and move on with our pocket knives at the ready to cut through the brush. Because we can't just sit. Then the road would start to look like that well-traveled one we didn't take. Maybe it would even morph into that road...become that road if we sat too long, getting sedentary, complacent.

And I don't mean it to sound like such a downer. It's exciting and exhilarating, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I get tired, and I get sick, frustrated, sad, angry. But I also get those moments of complete contentment, awe, wonder. I get the moment of sheer joy. We talked about joy in Bible study...how the Hebrew word that is translated "exceedingly glad," actually means to "jump for joy." This road has those moments...the moments when we skip and leap along the narrow path rather than fight through the brush. The moments of breakthrough are well-worth the struggle.

I wouldn't trade this for easy.

Internet Screen Names

A word for anybody why still doesn't know... "Mane" is a Latin word for "Early Morning," and "Vespera" is a Latin word for "Evening Prayer." Mane is our beautiful morning sunrise, our first child. Vespera is the answer to many evening prayers.

I call myself MidnightCafe most places on the internet. It's a handle I started using when Mane was a baby and nursing all night long, and it stuck. The name reminds me of coffee shops with Dh late at night, of lying in bed on hot summer nights with a soft breeze coming in the windows and Dh and Mane breathing softly in their sleep beside me. It reminds me of walking silently through my house at night, feeling content and peaceful. So, that's the story of the internet handles.

...still looking for one for Dh, though...

Bridging the Gap

Nothing in life has prepared me to watch two people I love so much struggle to find their way in a relationship together. Vespera has never had a father before. And, likewise, Dh has never been the father of a teenage girl before. He's having flashbacks of his dating years in high school trying to remember what 16yr old girls were like. And Vespera is particularly sensitive to anything that comes out of his mouth. This experience impresses on me how important fathers are to young women, and how powerful and influential fathers can be. The minute something comes out of Dh's mouth, it has gone straight to the heart. She's taken it personally, deeply. Quite simply, his opinion matters a great deal. From his perspective, he is an outcast, always saying the wrong thing, someone to be totally disregarded. You see the disjunct here? Everything he says matters to her. And he doesn't want to say much...at least, not without thinking it over a great deal.

And then these moments happen...moments of quiet connection...studying for biology, sharing headphones at the computer, a drive home in the car when she tells him about a dream she had or the guy she likes. Tentatively, a relationship is forged.

She had a very disturbing dream about him. It was upsetting...for all of us, I think. But it got something out on the table. "This relationship is very difficult." Nobody quite knows what to do. It was good to say it. At least, from my outsiders perspective it was good.

Last week saw a certain breakthrough, I think. It was silly, really. He teased her...in a way that would have never made me think twice. She was heartbroken. I asked her what happened and she dissolved in tears. I called for him. He came...he apologized...he told her how much he loves her...she did not look up. She didn't move until he left the room. I said simply, "I know you trust me. And you can trust me when I say that I know he would never mean to hurt you."

How do I bridge the gap between them? My heart is tight, constricted, tense trying to hold them both as they fly apart in opposite directions. I know she is afraid. She wants to accept the love we offer, but she doesn't want to expect it of us. She cannot relax in it, knowing that it is there, expecting it to always be there, because she is still afraid she is imposing...that we've taken her in but she's somehow getting in the way. She allows Dh in a little bit, but then any little teasing just confirms her fears...that she is imposing on our family, that she is asking too much of us. He can she allow herself to be unconditionally loved and accepted if she is worried that she's a bother? And Dh is shocked at the depth of his own emotion for her. He says over and over that it's just as though she was born to us. How is it possible to love her so much? I feel it myself...hardly believing that we did not even know her at this time last year. The attachment bonds have formed quick and strong and deep. It is mostly her. She "wears her heart on her sleeve." She is so open and vulnerable...allowing things in, and then experiecing both the wonder and comfort of love and the wounding pain of vulnerability. It hovers in a fragile balance.

She said that it was ok, that she understood he was teasing. I told her he needed to hear that then. Being silent allows him to think that she is still upset and will not forgive him. God forgive me for being pushy. I could see that they needed to mend this somehow before she stepped out of the house for the weekend. The divide between them would grow over the weekend, and I would be left with a tight heart holding them both as they again fly apart. I let it drop and went to joined Dh & Mane in the living room.

She got her things together to go home and tentatively stepped out into the living room and sat down. He said, "I'm sorry," as tears splashed down his face. She was shocked, taken aback. Here is real emotion, a tangible deomnstration of love. Dh had been trying to keep his emotions checked...trying not to guilt her for feeling bad. The tears spilled over anyway. My heart lurched. And I tried to stay quiet. It ended with them in a tight hug, both crying. A strand of trust began weaving it's way between them.

She went home for the weekend...just minutes afterward.

She bounced into his classroom Monday and gave him a big hug.

This week that little tightness inside me loosened up a bit.

Jesse Tree

And for inquiring minds...This is a picture of our Jesse Tree, which, quite obviously, is actually a Jesse Wreath. It's from last year. There's an ornament to go with each scripture reading we did over advent. So, this was the picture from Christmas Day, once all the ornaments were up.

Music and Advent

Our lives continue to revolve around music. I feel as though I've made some kind of full circle in my life. When I was young, in high school and college, music infused nearly every moment of every day. I went to sleep playing music, even woke to turn it back on sometimes. Now, I am living with Vespera, who is young, in high school, and who spends hours upon hours steeped in music. And my life is filling with music again.

I walked out of the bedroom after reading Mane to sleep a few nights ago to find Vespera & Dh, each with one earphone from a shared headset, at the computer scrolling through itunes. Dh has always been a connessuir of music. His listening menu is broad - from the meaningful to the comical. And now Vespera listens to everything from The Sound of Music to Billy Joel and much in between.

Mane goes around singing Do, Re, Mi, and I Surrender All (that's from Amy Grant's Rock of Ages, if anybody wants to know)...and also the cherry cola song by Savage Garden.

So, now I'm in search of music for Advent, as a way to enrich our Advent time together this year. And, yes, folks, that means Advent is beginning soon! December 3rd is the first day of Advent this year. We'll be lighting candles and doing a Jesse Tree again. And maybe adding some music to the list.

Ok, so now Mane is sitting on my lap & I can't see the screen any more.

Just to write

I'm writing today because I rather feel that I ought to. The writer in me believes that you need to squeeze something out every now and then even if you don't really know what to say. It's good practice.

I'm off for a weekend with the girls on Saturday. We're glazing pottery and spending the night in a hotel. I assume lots of other various and sundry things will be part of the weekend, too, as usual, but I have no idea what. Vespera is coming with this year, by popular request. They love her. I do, too, and I'm looking forward to the drive. Hopefully I can be quiet long enough to really listen. This is my goal. Be quiet. Listen. Speak when it's time and not before. I can't do it, really. I love to talk. And I so rarely get to hang out with my friends and there's always a million trillion things on my mind. I'll try, though. God help me. I'll try.

So, I thought about sending my Bible study ladies over here to read. Decided I was too radical. What if I say something offensive? The friends I'm hanging out with this weekend think I'm a rule follower. I laugh in my hands. Yeah, appearances are not everything.