The Midnight Cafe

Gifts, Among Other Things

2012-01-23T10:24:00.001-06:00

Other Things. There have been a lot of Other Things since this blog began. Vespera's adoption and our subsequent journey to Juarez to claim her freedom. Niteo's entrance into our family, fraught with trepidation, wonder, grace and joy. Graduations. The Wedding. My appendix and carcinoid tumor. Mane's sleep (or general lack, thereof). Car crashes. Homeschooling. The death of my high school friend in Colorado.

And now there is another Other Thing. My Mom. My mom has Merkel Cell Carcinoma. It's a rare, aggressive skin cancer (just quoting wikipedia there). I'm not here to rewrite the details. It's the fact that it's here, as one more Thing. It's the thing that follows us all around now. The shadow that casts before or behind, depending on whether we're facing the sun this day or not.

The flurry of tests and doctors appointments are over for the moment. This week is the calm before the storm. She begins chemo next Tuesday. And radiation next month. And there will be blood draws and scans and many, many more appointments.

So, this Other Thing is here to stay for a while. And I turn slowly toward the sun, toward gratitude, because when we face the sun the shadow falls behind us. I know I can't always look this way...away. And sometimes all we can do is look the shadow in the face and try to remember that the sun is there...behind us. Today, though, I choose to face the sun, if only for these few respite moments.

Forty-Nine. Yes, Janis. :) And all the other friends, who may or may not want their names mentioned on my blog. So, I'll keep them nameless. I am thankful for the love and hugs, the listening ears, the offers for tangible help, the SOUP...

Fifty. Crocheting is a gift, and friends who share the joy of crafting with. Crocheting is my anti-anxiety, anti-depressant drug. It gives my hands something to do, and it brings me the satisfaction of creating. I get the rush of finishing something and the joy of giving things away.

Fifty-One. Found a tunisian crochet hook at the thrift store! Score.

Fifty-Two. Last night, while blogging for Peregrin House, I saw how much Mane has learned in the last month, even with the Other Things happening around us. I am so grateful for the moments when I really see this.

Fifty-Three. Cooperation from Mane on math homework. (Yes, I bribed her with Brie cheese.)

Fifty-Four. Irish cheese (since I won't touch the Brie).

Fifty-Five. A keyboard for my tablet so I can sit here at the kitchen table and type this while Mane studies history!

Fifty-Six. Stickers (also used for bribery).

Fifty-Seven. I am grateful that Mane is so pleased with the little things...like stickers :) I have worked hard to raise a child, who is satisfied, who doesn't demand more all the time. And I see today how much the little things please her, and I'm so grateful.

Fifty-Eight. Telephones. Amazing how much technology shows up in my list of gifts, isn't it? I am grateful for the phone that lets me have an hour conversation with my mom, even though she lives an hour away.

Fifty-Nine. Snow. Yep, I think the little snowflakes are gifts. I love the rain more, but in January I can settle for a little bit of snow.

Sixty. Getting out on Saturday by myself to go to an event where JANIS was speaking at one of my favorite little local stores.

Sixty-One. Netflix documentaries.

Sixty-Two. Crayons. Colored pencils. Oil pastels. All the options!

One Thousand Gifts - Beginning with 32

2012-01-12T09:38:00.002-06:00

Thirty-Two. Lunch with friends. That's what I'm doing today.

Thirty-Three. Vespera's cooking. Yum!

Thirty-Four. Homeopathy.

Thirty-Five. Grandpa Upstairs, who is working hard on the basement project for Vespera & Niteo.

Thirty-Six. Grandpa Upstairs, who will spend time with Mane pretty much whenever I need him to.

Thirty-Seven. Grandpa Up North, who can laugh in the middle of crisis.

Thirty-Eight. Grandpa Up North (my dad), who takes such good care of Grandma Up North (my mom).

Thirty-Nine. Having parents that stayed together and set an example of making marriage work.

Forty. Having in-laws that stayed together and set an entirely different example of making marriage work.

Forty-One. Mango, who will stay up until 1am (or 2 or 3), if that's what it takes.

Forty-Two. Books. I have a lot of them.

Forty-Three. A sweet back yard with a tree that Mane can climb.

Forty-Four. Mane climbing the tree in her winter duds in the rain/snow yesterday.

Forty-Five. A flexible job.

Forty-Six. People who tip generously.

Forty-Seven. Places to swim in the winter.

Forty-Eight. Books that Mane loves to read, namely the Harry Potter books.

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This post was inspired by Ann Voskamp at:

It's not here to stay

2012-01-12T09:19:00.000-06:00

...the new template, I mean. It turns out that the beautiful chocolate beach template that I've used forever has its photos hosted at photobucket and has exceeded its bandwidth. Apologies to those of you who logged in to see the ugly bandwidth exceeded message while I've been away. I guess it's time to get Mango to design me a real template...

One Thousand Gifts - the 3rd post

2011-12-08T19:17:00.001-06:00

Twenty-Two. Christmas lights in a world of dark and snow.

Twenty-Three. Beautiful yarn for making gifts.

Twenty-Four. Coffee shops with kid entertainment.

Twenty-Five. Wood for the fireplace.

Twenty-Six. Candles on the table.

Twenty-Seven. Craft night with the lady-folk.

Twenty-Eight. Friends who use hanging out with me as an excuse to not get their homework done.

Twenty-Nine. Sunshine on a wintry day.

Thirty. The nativity set from my old church that got passed on to me.

Thirty-One.The silly talk of 2yr olds.

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This post was inspired by Ann Voskamp at:

One Thousand Gifts - Edition 2

2011-11-29T17:06:00.001-06:00

Twelve. Homeschool friends, who came over for the afternoon to play.

Thirteen. The Tapestry Folk Dance Center, where we went yesterday. Thank you, God, for planting us in a city that appreciates art, poetry, dance... I first visited the Tapestry on a swing dance night when I was in college. My brother-in-law went almost every Thursday. He learned English Country Dance there, too, and he taught his students when he became an English teacher. Now my daughter takes lessons there with an awesome group of homeschool friends.

Fourteen. A beautiful, little tree-lined backyard right here in the middle of the city.

Fifteen. Neighbors to share our backyard.

Sixteen. A house that is just big enough...and warm enough...and beautiful.

Seventeen. The fireplace in the big enough, warm enough house!

Eighteen. Photographs...those that line the mantle and those that don't. I'm grateful to live in a time of photographs, to be able to hold onto those memories just a little more clearly.

Nineteen. Email from a friend, who moved away. Oh, dear God, I do not deserve such good friends, but here that are, and they send me encouragement just when I need it, and I'm startled by the way they care about me so much. Help me to always be so grateful.

Twenty. The pocketcast app that Mango put on my tablet so I can listen to Midmorning whenever I want to (and today I ended up listening to a show about gratitude, imagine that!).

Twenty-One. Advent.

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This post was inspired by Ann Voskamp at:

One Thousand Gifts - Part 1

2011-11-28T15:14:00.001-06:00

I stumbled upon a blog the other day called A Holy Experience. The author of the blog is also the author of a book called One Thousand Gifts. I haven't read very much of it yet, and I don't know very much about it. But I thought it was a wonderful idea to keep a running list of gifts in my life, things for which I am grateful. I've felt a great deal of gratitude lately, in the midst of what seems like endless struggle. I've felt strangely grateful, even when anxious. (And I've been anxious a lot.)

So, begins my list...

One. My husband. Mango. My love. He is a most precious gift. A most holy gift. A gift, I've learned, very few people ever receive, even when married. And because of him, I know I have been called to much in this life. Together we can and have and will accomplish much.

Two. Mane. The youngest child, who came to us first. She is both a reflection and so opposite of me. I learn much from her, and together we walk and run through this wild and wooly life.

Three. Vespera. The oldest child, who came to us miraculously. I cannot imagine life without her. Yet there was a time when she was not here. She taught me faith and tenacity and courage.

Four. Niteo. My son-in-law. Child and not child. Gift to my Vespera.

Five. Co-housing with Vespera and Niteo, which gives us all the opportunity to learn from each other, to practice love and service, honesty and loyalty, openness and intuition.

Six. Sharing a duplex with my in-laws. A gift to them, a gift to us.

Seven. My good friend, who comes for coffee/tea a few mornings a week. So often my lifeline.

Eight. Another good friend, whose children are so close to Mane in age, who is always just a phone call away.

Nine. My Bible Study ladies.

Ten. Book club.

Eleven. Wool socks.

30 Day Photography Challenge Grand Finale!!

2011-11-28T14:28:00.001-06:00

So, in order to prove that I can actually finish something, I will regale you with photos from the last several months, which fulfill the final 9 days of the 30 Day Photography Challenge!

Day 22 - Hands - Vespera and Niteo's Wedding

Day 23 - Sun Flare - Not a sun flare exactly, but a sunburst on the floor of Children's Hospital:

Day 24 - Animal - Ellie the Elephant, whom I made for Mane when she was a baby...

Day 25 - Something Pink - Don't you just want to eat them?!

Day 26 - Close Up - Warm, fuzzy legwarmers I made this fall...

Day 27 - From a Distance - Rocket launching in North Branch...

Day 28 - Flowers - Fairy House among the flowers in Red Wing, MN...

Day 29 - Black & White - Life is never black and white, and that wouldn't really be any fun anyway, now would it? (In other words, an excuse to include one of my favorite photos full of ORANGE!)

Day 30 - Self Portrait - Nope, I SWEAR I've done a gazillion self-portraits with this challenge already!

It's so not a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2011-11-02T21:54:00.001-06:00

A post from over a month ago that I just dug up...

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I want to run. I want to hide. I want to sit in a dark room and rock. I want to move to the country where I imagine everything is beautiful. I want a ranch house with a wraparound porch and trees to climb and no neighbors. I want to live 100 years ago, maybe 200. I want anything but this.

A man was killed in the alley. My alley. Beaten, stripped, assaulted, shot.

A boy was killed over north. Not far from Mango's school.

A woman was shot at a vigil for peace.

I want to back out. I want to cop out. Helpless. Hopeless. Angry. Anxious. Afraid. I feel all those things.

And yet, when you ask my why I am here, I will tell you that it is to bear witness. To see and know what happens here because so few people will ever really know. And then I can raise the awareness of those who don't know. I can speak for the people who cannot speak for themselves.

But I will tell you right now that I have no words. My mouth is empty. My stomach is hollow. My eyes burn. I want to close them. I want to stop witnessing these moments. I want to stop fighting this fight.

But I won't. Because we have always been about living life on the edge. Because I don't want to be safe and out of touch. Or maybe I do, but it's too late.

Oh, come, Lord Jesus, come. Yeshua, we need you.

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Today's thoughts...

I am still here in this neighborhood. The tightness in my chest has eased. Yesterday I was stuck in an awful situation and FIVE of my neighbors came to my rescue, while another offered good, sound and necessary advice. Yet another listened to the story and offered prayers. Friends from outside the neighborhood prayed and listened. Vespera and Niteo sent encouraging text messages all day.

And at the end of the day, I could do nothing but say that I am truly blessed. I was in the middle of something horrible and something wonderful all at once. I couldn't wallow in my anger, indignation, frustration or even just plain sadness because it was so glaringly obvious that I am blessed anyway.

This is what it has meant for us, time and again to be called to this life. We have been given much. Much will be required of us. It is painfully difficult. But so poignantly beautiful.

Peregrin House

2011-11-02T21:14:00.000-06:00

If you've been wondering where all the action is lately...it's over at the homeschool blog: Peregrin House. Mane & I (and really the whole family) have been very, very busy this fall, which has made it nearly impossible to keep up with both blogs. Our lives are never, ever boring, and there's plenty to say...just not enough time to write it. In the meantime, if you just want to catch up on a piece of our lives lately, Peregrin House is the place to look. Enjoy!

It's like having a newborn...

2011-08-25T19:13:00.004-05:00

The way I sleep these days...it's like having a newborn. Don't even both going to sleep during that first sleep cycle because she'll be up again, just one more time, before she settles in. Then lie awake thinking of how I should be sleeping because she'll wake again soon, and she'll need me, and, so, I should get some rest. But I can't. Just because I know I should.

We spent 2 nights at the hospital to try to figure out what is wrong. Mane wakes (or doesn't wake, depending on how you look at it), once, twice, sometimes three times a night, nearly every night...confused and upset. She doesn't remember in the morning. Her EEG says she's asleep when this is happening. Last year's EEG said it could be seizures. This year's EEG says it isn't seizures. Which is a relief. But not. Because we still don't know what to do. And we're still sleep deprived, delirious, irritable, and emotional.

I'm horrible when sleep deprived. Low on patience. Low on everything. Mane is also somewhat horrible when sleep deprived (and I mean that in the nicest possible way), but, for her that means being HIGH on seemingly everything. High energy. Frenetic. Frantic. High needs. High maintenance.

I try to remember. But remembering makes me sit down and cry. I remember that she is my baby. That she's still so young. That she has her daddy's brown eyes. And she looks like me. I remember that she is soft and vulnerable, sensitive, creative, passionate. If I remember, I can be more patient.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 21 - Faceless Self-Portrait

2011-08-21T19:48:00.000-05:00

I already did this, didn't I?

Day 18

Day 13

and

Day 2

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 20 - Bokeh

2011-08-21T19:42:00.000-05:00

Bokeh...the artistic use of blur...

I love the way you can see how busy Mane is, whistling away happily during her hospital stay (more on that later).

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 19 - Something Orange

2011-07-27T15:04:00.002-05:00

This little guy came back with my parents from Mexico. He mostly hangs out on the computer monitor in the living room...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 18 - Your Shoes

2011-07-27T14:58:00.000-05:00

Tevas!!

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 17 - Technology

2011-07-27T14:55:00.001-05:00

The definition of technology (courtesy of merriam-webster.com):

1. the practical application of knowledge especially in a particular area
2. a manner of accomplishing a task especially using technical processes, methods, or knowledge
3. the specialized aspects of a particular field of endeavor

I practically applied my knowledge of coffee and various brewing methods, and accomplished the task of cold brewing coffee, a specialized aspect of coffee brewing which endeavors to reduce the acidity of coffee and allow the coffee consumer to enjoy iced coffee without needing to add ice to hot coffee. My method involved the use of 2 glass pitchers and a reusable coffee filter from a regular coffee pot.

Step 1: Measure coffee grounds & water into glass pitcher using a 1:4 ratio.
Step 2: Cover the pitcher and leave the grounds to soak for about 12 hours.
Step 3: Pour the contents of the pitcher through a coffee filter into another pitcher.
Step 4: The coffee produced is a concentrate and should be enjoyed using a 1:4 coffee to water/milk/ice ratio.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 16 - Long Exposure

2011-07-27T14:35:00.000-05:00

Long exposure to summer sunshine has Mane turning brown...

Long exposure to books and stories has her motivated to do the library reading program...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 15 - Silhouette

2011-07-24T20:51:00.001-05:00

This is the avatar I use for MidnightCafe everywhere...

It's a photo of Mango & I at Lake Michigan the summer before Mane was born. We camped at a campground, the name of which I can never remember, that was cheap and right on the Lake. We used the self timer on our SLR Nikon, and the camera was perched in the rocks. Strange the things we remember as though it were yesterday...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 14 - Eyes

2011-07-24T20:34:00.000-05:00

Guest photographer...Mane took this photo of herself...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 13 - Yourself with 13 Things

2011-07-21T15:48:00.003-05:00

The things that have been multiplying in my house since Mane was born...and me walking around and scooping them up!

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 12 - Sunset

2011-07-21T15:42:00.001-05:00

It isn't sunset, but the baby niece is sleeping...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 11 - Something Blue

2011-07-19T20:44:00.002-05:00

The sling I used to carry Mane for years and years...and then T.'s daughter, and now my little niece...and every once in a while Mane uses it for a baby doll...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 10 - Childhood Memory

2011-07-17T21:17:00.001-05:00

I have found myself marveling lately at the way life brings us around, how we come full circle, how we feel at peace when we come back to a place, revisit something, bring it back around... I mentioned this in my post on Day 4 of the photo challenge. It was interesting, both unsettling and comforting at the same time (if that's possible), that we ended up camping at Spirit Mountain so soon after Gabe's death, when the last time T. was at Spirit Mountain was with Gabe. I chose the destination without knowing that, but it was as though something was calling us back to the place. And the night that we finally walked out to the chairlifts there was a glorious lightning storm with a purple sky and great crashes of thunder. It was quite satisfying really. There was plenty of pain in the moment but, also, a certain comfort...in the same way that we all felt the need to visit the scene of the accident while we were in Colorado. We just had to go back to the place.

I have an entirely different feeling about spending Shabbat evening with our friends, and, yet, there is this one piece of similarity. It brings back childhood memories of Bible Study at the first house where I lived, before I was in Kindergarten. It brings me full circle in a way I didn't expect. What I've been longing for in a spiritual community for so long is something true, something free, something natural. When I was a very small child, Bible study was simple, full of simple songs and a certain fresh openness that the early hippie Christians had back in those days. Something happened later that turned the church more rigid, more controlling, more arrogant. But back then there was an eagerness to learn and an openness to whatever might come. And we sang these same song that we sing now on Friday nights for Shabbat. It astonishes me every time I am brought back to that old comforting feeling, that childhood memory of being 4 years old and surrounded by new faith. And then I know that I am home. And this is right. And this is where I belong.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 9 - Someone You Love

2011-07-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

This is me...and someone I love...

We'll be celebrating our 13th anniversary on Monday, and things only get better. It's been a year with a lot of bumps and snags, but it's also been a year of tremendous growth and depth. And love is a word that just keeps evolving. Just when I think I know what it is to love, it gets to be more...deeper, stronger, more powerful, more evocative. It requires more of me and also covers over and protects me, this love. My love, Mango's love...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 8 - A Bad Habit

2011-07-16T15:26:00.000-05:00

Staying up too late because I can't sleep if Mango isn't sleeping...Mango does homework, I read books, write blog posts, research all the things I've been wanting to research...and get no sleep...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 7 - Fruit

2011-07-13T22:13:00.000-05:00

This painting by Ellen Eilers has hung above our dining table for years, probably since year 2 of our marriage or so. It came from Mango's parents, who own a number of other Eilers paintings. When we moved to this new house, almost 3 years ago, it was a moment of great weight when we unwrapped it and hung it in its place. Once the painting was back on the wall, it didn't matter than the rest of the house was in complete chaos. These fruit trees with all their jumbled mixed fruit made it home.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 6 - From a low angle

2011-07-13T21:57:00.000-05:00

Leif Erikson Park in Duluth

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 5 - From a high angle

2011-07-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

We're always looking down at these little people. In their world, we are always coming from a high angle. Everything is so much bigger. It's hard to see where you're going.

This little guy was also on our camping trip. We trekked into Duluth on Sunday, and, in the time it took all 6 adults to blink, this little one stepped out into the street. Mango called his name and ran after him. His daddy got there first and swooped him up into safety.

Later, I mused with Mango over the close calls in life, the "might have beens" and the "what ifs." You see, not only did my high school friend, Gabe, die in a horrible and completely unforeseen car accident two weeks ago, but his 2yr old daughter came within inches of losing her life. And then there's the phone call I received Monday morning, while we were still camping, letting me know that the teenage daughter of a friend of mine attempted suicide Saturday night.

So little separates us from what might be and what actually is. We are so fragile and so strong all at once. We never know what might actually be from one moment to the next, and yet, we are called to live deeply and fully, in a strong, steady, and even fearless kind of way.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 4 - Something Green

2011-07-12T20:23:00.001-05:00

I wasn't thinking about the photo challenge on Sunday...when I managed to catch such great clouds shots. I discovered, though, that by focusing on the green in the forefront, I could get the sky to show up in the photo the way I wanted it. So, here's my something green...

What a beautiful night it was. The lightning was flashing across the purple sky, the wind was cool and fresh, the hills were covered with tall green grass and wildflowers, full of life. ...and we thought of Gabe, our dear friend, tall as the truth, his memory full of so much life, and his life gone. The last time T. was in this place it was winter and she was skiing with Gabe. We ended up camping here this weekend because of the government shut-down. Our plan to stay at a state park fell through, and I made reservations for this place. Strange how life brings us around sometimes, without us really intending it.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 3 - Clouds

2011-07-12T19:51:00.000-05:00

The whole sky was clouds on Saturday, and our campground was entirely engulfed in cloud. So, I took a picture of clouds through the trees in order to give your eyes some relief from the sheer white.

There were actually a number of better cloud photo ops over the rest of the weekend...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 2 - What I Wore Today

2011-07-08T14:24:00.000-05:00

Since I'm not all that interested in fashion, and I can't tell you where most of my clothes come from because I bought them all at Savers, I'll tell you about this one little item that I'm wearing today, and I wear it every day, and I've worn it for the last almost 13 years. Mango designed it...with a rose for my birth month and a thistle for his family's homeland of Scotland and a cross in the middle and a diamond in the center of that. It's a symbol of us. It's a symbol of who we were, who we wanted to become, and what we are slowly becoming. The vines grow together with a deep and shining faith at the center, a guide for our tumultuous life on the edge. If everything else changes day by day and hour by hour, we cling to these 3 things that remain: faith, hope and love. (1 Corinthians 13:13 - How's that for some unlucky numbers, but the way? Lets you know you'll be living on the edge if you follow this path. And our 13th anniversary is just 10 days away.)

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)

30 Day Photography Challenge - Day 1 - Self Portrait

2011-07-07T19:32:00.000-05:00

I wanted to leave yesterday's post at the top a little longer...as a tribute, you know...but I also wanted to get started on this 30 day photography challenge and invite the rest of ya'll out there to join in. For me, it'll be a chance to channel the emotional energy that currently surrounds me into something creative. Strange how I find that I'm most creative when I'm tired, sad, grieved, depressed, angry...pretty much anything other than happy. I find that I pay more attention to my internal self when there's dissonance. And I'm more motivated to work it out on the page when there's something that needs working out.

Day 1- Self Portrait

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30 Day Photography Challenge

A great man is gone...

2011-07-06T17:54:00.003-05:00

Two girlfriends and I packed up in one of their cars and drove out to Colorado this past weekend to go to the funeral of a dear, old friend...except he wasn't old. He was way too young.

In week before we left, I was handling all those high school memories of him gingerly, like old parchment, afraid it would all crumble between my fingers. Maybe I would crumble. I strained carefully at those faded memory pages, through the blurred lines and found him all over the place, the places where our lives intersected, where he knew my other friends, where the things I learned from him are written into the rest of my life.

You can't go to school with someone for years and years, with only 5-7 people in your class, and not have them be part of the story of your life. He is written into my story everywhere. That smile, that mischievous grin, those overalls, the red hair, basketball games, bus rides, camp, Mexico, skiing...it's all there. And there he is.

I once said to someone that I will forever be grateful to my guy friends from high school for teaching me what I wanted in a man, for teaching me that men with wonderful qualities were really out there in the world, men who could be trusted. I knew I wanted the depth and conversation of P., the faith and integrity of E., and the adventure and steadiness of G..

Yes, Gabe. On June 25th, the Gabe, who taught me adventure and steadiness, went out of this world. All week I had this e.e.cummings poem running through my head:

a great

man
is
gone.

Tall as the truth

was who:and
wore his(mountains
understand

how)life

like a(now
with
one sweet sun

in it,now with a

million
flaming billion kinds
of nameless

silence)sky;

His parents described him as a "mountain man," and when we were in high school his favorite catch phrase was, "Let's talk about the forest." He was a man connected to the earth, who saw the wonder of creation and reveled in it. He was outfitting his SUV with a bunk in the back to take his little girl camping. So, I'm glad we went to his farewell in the mountains, in a place that seemed full of his spirit, though he is no longer there.

When we left the funeral home, the clouds broke apart and the sun shone down on us like a gift, and cold, wet raindrops fell from the sky. Heaven's tears. Heaven's healing sun.

We visited the scene of the accident, where he was hit and run off the road by a drunk driver, and I was struck by the peacefulness of the scene. It was so pastoral. So surreal. So unbelievable. But it had his name written all over it. And, again, raindrops splashed on our toes as we walked the length of road.

A great man is gone.

Drizzle

2011-03-01T12:09:00.000-06:00

Creativity Boot Camp ~ Day 9

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I much prefer the storms, a great tantrum, a good cry, to the whining drip, drip of drizzle. Sometimes I imagine I'm in England or Scotland, and then I feel somewhat better. Then the drip, drip drizzle feels exotic, especially when I can enjoy a mug of warm tea and a good book. Still, though, I love the howling wind and a driving rain or a blinding blizzard. It feels cathartic, like something gets to unwind and release. Drizzle feels like there's something holding back, miserable and depressed. Drizzle is what we do when we're trying to keep it all together because we're too busy to let it all out. Unless we're talking about drizzling chocolate syrup over ice cream. Then drizzle is a whole other matter, a delicacy, like snowflakes, a luxury rather than a tight grip.

Which drizzle are you today?

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As an aside, maybe I'm being set free from trying to finish Creativity Boot Camp. The links seem to have disappeared. So, I can't get the assignments for the remaining days. Guess this one just took me too long, huh?

Thousand Word Thursday

2011-02-24T13:01:00.000-06:00

I spent a lovely weekend in Rochester with some girlfriends of mine. We found out that fun can still be had...even in snowy MN in February!

Comments are Fixed

2011-02-23T15:15:00.001-06:00

In case you've been trying to leave comments lately, I think they're finally fixed.

Back your regularly scheduled programming...

Judgment Seat

2011-02-08T16:17:00.000-06:00

When I was in junior high or so and had been babysitting for some years, I remember thinking to myself that I wouldn't be one of those parents who let their kids drag around naked dolls. I like clean, nicely dressed baby dolls. I still do. But now I understand that children seem to live for the very act of stripping the baby doll naked. And once the dolly is naked, they can happily drag the dolly everywhere.

And, for a while, I thought I knew how to have children who were perfectly behaved in public and who were charming and brilliant and gracious all-in-one. I thought I could reduce parenting to some kind of formula. If I do A, B, and C, then my children with be X, Y, and Z.

Then I had my first child. And I learned very quickly that A, B, and C do not equal X, Y, and Z because this fails to account for personality traits O, P, and Q, and life circumstances F, G, and H, and allergies T, U, and V. Yes, that's a lot of letters. And the combinations are endless.

I say this today because I've encountered some eye rolling and backhanded comments with regard to mine (and others) parenting, and I feel like it's time to make it clear what I believe and what I don't believe.

I can tell you the things I won't do as a parent: I won't hit or in others ways harm my child's body or invade her personal space. I won't call names, yell, guilt or demean. I don't want to make her behave well at the expense of her learning that her body is not hers or learning to hate herself. I don't want her to be externally motivated by fear of punishment. How will she behave when she's on her own if she's only motivated by fear of me and what I might do or say to her? How will she know how to make good decisions for herself if I've always "made" her "be good?"

My goal is behavior that comes from within because my children have learned what the right things are and how to do them. My goal is to love them in such a way that they know how to love and respect others. My goal is for my children to show kindness and compassion out of the overflow of kindness and compassion that has been shown to them.

I believe that children who are forced to do and be act in certain ways do not learn to make their own decisions. In fact, they may not really even have any idea who they are or what they want because they've always been told what to do and how to be. Of course, children who are not forced to act in particular ways will, certainly, make mistakes. Mistakes are an opportunity, though. They are an opportunity for us to teach our children forgiveness and reconciliation and grace. A child who is always punished and shamed for mistakes will only learn to punish and shame others when they make mistakes. A child, who has experienced forgiveness and learned how to make things right, will forgive others and extend the grace that allows others to make things right. I want to lead a life of grace so that I may leave a legacy of grace.

Lost and Found

2011-02-07T18:40:00.000-06:00

We rode the city bus to Lifetime Fitness to go swimming. Mane and I chatted and ate snacks (yes, I know we're not supposed to eat on the city bus). Then we hopped off the bus when we got to our stop. No sooner had the bus driven away than Mane said, "Where's my purse?!!!" and burst out crying. It's a really cute purse. She got it from Vespera for her birthday. It contained her hairbrush, a spray bottle of water, and the sweetest little printed napkins that she received from her friend for Hanukkah.

We sat down on the couches inside the fitness center, and I put in a call to the bus garage. I learned that if the purse contained ID, they would actually STOP the bus and help us find the fastest way to catch up with it in order to get the purse back. However, since it didn't contain anything...um...important, they couldn't hold up the bus. I didn't know they'd ever hold up the bus for anything. So, that we new information! In any case, the bus garage operator helped us figure out when the same bus would be passing our way in the opposite direction. Then we could board the bus and check for the purse.

We had to wait an hour. Mane was beside herself. So, I took her out for ice cream. (Yes, we live in MN and it's freezing outside, but this was an emergency.) The ice cream made her feel better for a while. She told me her mouth was happy, in any case. But as the time drew nearer for the bus to arrive, she started getting anxious, imagining someone else carrying her purse off the bus and taking it home to their own little girl. I didn't want to promise her that it would be there. So, we just waited and hoped, talking about all the possible scenarios.

At 12:04pm we boarded the bus. I said to the bus driver, "We were on this same bus about an hour ago, and my daughter left a little blue purse with stars on it. Did someone turn it in?"

All the other passengers in the first few rows, who could hear my question, leaned forward in their seats. I kid you not, the bus grew quiet in these few tense seconds of anticipation.

Mane stood anxiously.

The bus driver reached beside his seat and pulled out the purse!

Mane laughed and we thanked him profusely.

Then we turned to face the rest of the bus. Everyone was grinning from ear to ear, old men and young, mothers and grandmothers, and a few whom I sure did not even speak English. The whole story played out on our faces and in our gestures, and it wasn't too hard to figure out what happened. I almost felt the bus break into silent applause.

I thought about how this feeling is one we can all relate to, one we long for...to find and be found.

I once was lost, but now I'm found. Amazing Grace.

Top book picks of 2010

2011-01-06T14:30:00.000-06:00

I read a LOT this year. Some books I chose for myself and others I read at the recommendation of others. Some were fiction, some non-fiction, some were picture books and others were young adult reads. Most of them I thoroughly enjoyed. I thought I'd pass on a few of my very favorite books from several genres for your consideration...

Children's Picture Book:
Ben and Lucy Play Pond Hockey - Mango's cousin, Andrew Sherburne, wrote this book, and it came out just in time for Christmas 2010! The book followed Andrew's co-production of the film, Pond Hockey, in 2008. We love this book, not just because Andrew wrote it, but because it feels so much like home. Snow and ice are a reality of life here in MN, and fewer and fewer kids are getting out to play in it. Ben and Lucy are a sweet reminder to get out and play!

Grade-School Fiction:
The Higher Power of Lucky by Susan Patron - This one wins my top choice hands down! Click on the link, and you can read a review on my homeschool blog!

Non-Fiction:
Such a Road by Philip Solem - The story of the marriage of a nun and a priest, written by the priest himself, captured my interest in early 2010, and I have continued to mull over bits and pieces of the story from time to time all year. The book was not anything I expected when I first picked it up. It's not sensationalist, not a romance, not even a statement about the Catholic church. (And it's not particularly well-written, either. Sorry, Mr. Solem.) It's the story of two people with strongly held spiritual and political beliefs, who joined together in those beliefs and lived them out in the best way they knew how. It's the story of their effort to live communally with others and to raise their children. It's the story of how their faith and spirituality changed over time and how they had the strength and flexibility to give each other room to grow while still maintaining connection. I'll be re-reading this one in 2011.

Self-Help:
The Blue Zones: Lessons For Living Longer from the People Who've Lived the Longest by Dan Buettner - The title pretty much says it all! Buettner reports his research findings after spending time with people groups from five distinct regions of the world where people tend to live to be older than a century.

Cooking:
Mexican Everyday by Rick Bayless - If you want to cook Mexican food, and you love your crockpot, you'll be delighted to know that this book includes crockpot/slow cooker recipes, as well as instructions for doing the same recipes in a dutch oven or on the stovetop. How's that for versatile? Another thing I love about this book is that each recipe includes variations for how to do something similar with a different meat or vegetable. We haven't made anything from this cookbook yet that we didn't like!

Enjoy!

Big Snow!

2010-12-12T11:46:00.002-06:00

When it snows this much, even in MN, it's worth documenting...

Notice the chair buried on the left...

The birds are loving my mother-in-law's bird feeders!

Mr. Cardinal all puffed up to keep himself warm in the -22 windchill

A Landing Place

2010-12-11T13:08:00.003-06:00


Our Table on the 4th Night of Chanukah, Second Week of Advent

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I wrapped my hands around the cup of hot tea and closed my eyes. Just briefly. And in those few seconds with my eyes closed, I smiled. Guitars and voices filled the room with music. This has always been where I feel peaceful: surrounded by people I love and the sound of music. We had already lit the Shabbat candles, stood under the tallit to be blessed, heard the sound of the shofar, and enjoyed our meal and Torah discussion together. Now the children screamed happily in the basement, the baby passed from one family member to another, we chatted and sipped hot tea.

These are the other pilgrims on our journey. They believe Jesus, and they believe in the importance of honoring the Jewish history of Jesus. They believe in the importance of traditions, rituals, within our families and among fellow pilgrims - not in following traditions in a legalistic way, but in enjoying tradition, honoring it, and letting it point us to Jesus.

We first met with them six weeks ago. Six weeks ago I realized that we found the place where we belong. It isn't the Western church. It isn't church in any traditional sense at all. It is church in its truest incarnation - people who are bound together by the love of Jesus and who serve God and serve each other in a way that draws others to God. No judgment regarding various traditions, just fellowship and study in the presence of other believers.

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The Messianic tradition is something that has interested me for a long time. Mango & I attended a few different Messianic congregations while we were looking for a church in our early marriage. My favorite Mama message board (Gentle Christian Mothers) has a large contingent of people who participate in Jewish/Biblical holidays and traditions (whether they are Jewish by birth or not). Then, a few years back, I met a wonderful woman who became one of my dearest friends, and her husband began a ministry organization called Hebrew For Christians. A few months ago they invited us to join them for their Shabbat meal and Torah study. I cannot begin to tell you how rightly this fits our family and our faith. When most people think of the roots of Christianity, they think of Augustine and Thomas Aquinas. Later, we think of Martin Luther and Charles Wesley. The Messianic movement takes church history all the way back to its roots - the Hebrew people, the promise of God to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the rituals and traditions instituted by God for the benefit of the people of God, the Jewish people.

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In saying these things, I want to be careful to acknowledge that there are many, many ways to follow God. You don't have to follow a set of rituals and instructions to be a Christian person. You don't have to believe me or your neighbor or your pastor or your best friend. You just have to believe God. We've been on this journey for a very, very long time, and this is our landing place for now.

I didn't actually think we were ever going to come to a landing place. When I began writing about church this summer (see the Highway blog), I had no idea where it would lead. In a strange way, this has been a much more public journey than I would have chosen. Had I known we were going to land here, I would have begun writing here, and then you wouldn't have heard the groaning and frustrations of my previous posts. Perhaps, I had to make the plea aloud, speak the desire to land somewhere, before we could be cleared for landing.

Untitled

2010-11-12T15:23:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've blogged in an ordinary sort of way, and I'm finding myself a bit paralyzed by the vast empty space before me with seemingly nothing to write about. It's not that my life hasn't been it's usually wild and crazy ride. It's just that it hasn't been all the inspirational. ...or it hasn't slowed enough for me to see the inspiration.

I'm thinking that maybe if I give ya'll the rundown of my life since this summer, I'll be able to see the inspiration in it, and, maybe, I'll find myself more grounded after writing it all out...

So, first, from about mid-July to mid-September Mane had terrible night-wakings every single night after falling asleep, sometimes several times a night. We described these as night terrors, but the waking episodes haven't really fit the description of anything. After several weeks of trying various dosages of melatonin and calcium/magnesium supplements, she slept better, but not until I'd made an appointment with a family doctor.

My gut told me something wasn't right. I sure felt silly about it, but I was having persistent thoughts that this could have something to do with Mango's brother's epilepsy. So, we visited a family doc,
who sent us to a neurologist,
who sent us in for an MRI
and a sleep-deprived EEG.

A few weeks of testing later, and we have a diagnosis of nighttime seizures (Benign Rolandic Epilepsy, to be exact)- not exactly what we expected but not entirely surprising, either, given those persistent thoughts I'd been having. If she continues to do well with the melatonin, we won't medicate, and we'll simply wait it out. These types of seizures are supposed to taper off and go away in late adolescence.

So, there's that.

And I got a part time job...going to people's houses and helping rid them of head lice. (Yes, I know, weird, huh?) There's a good story behind this one, though:

After school started this year, I began contemplating how I might be able to contribute financially to the family life here at The Midnight Cafe. The previous year had been one of huge expenses - from medical bills to car transmissions - and I was feeling guilty for staying home with Mane. I was finally feeling really good about homeschooling, but I was wondering if I wasn't being selfish keeping her home and not going out and getting a job. I wondered if this was God's way of telling me that I should put her in school. I started doubting whether I was actually doing a good job or not. ....the thoughts started snowballing and tumbling all over each other, getting bigger and bigger.

So, I was driving around in my oh-so-cool minivan on a Monday by myself, and I began to pray. I begged God for an answer. I prayed and begged and probably whined a little...and then I sat around biting my nails and waiting. On Wednesday that same week, I met up with a friend, who had just started this lice business, and she said she was looking for partners. I signed up. And you know what? I found out that I actually have the patience and focus to...um...nit-pick for several hours at a time. Who knew? I don't know if that's a gift or not, but it's getting us out of the financial pit. And I feel that I've gotten confirmation that homeschooling is still the right thing for us. It's such a relief to feel that snowball of cold doubt melt away.

Now that I've written out these two stories side by side, I'm kind of amazed. Really, I believe that the intuitive voice that was telling me that Mane could be having issues related to seizures just had to be the voice of God. I remember even wondering at the time where in the world that thought came from. It came to me out of the clear blue in the middle of the night and was so urgent that I got up in the morning and made a doctor's appointment. Then I begged God for this answer regarding homeschool and finances, and there it came. And the answer meets our needs so specifically. The job is flexible, pays well, and allows me to spend time with a good friend!

My fabulous women's Bible study began a new study in September, too. The study is by Beth Moore and is entitled, Believing God.

Friends, I have some reasons to believe God. There is some inspiration in my life after all!

Peace!

Praying this prayer for a friend today...

2010-11-04T14:48:00.001-06:00

I ran into this poem in Madeleine L'Engle's book, A Swiftly Tilting Planet. In the book the words "At Tara" in the first line are often replaced with the words, "With ______," depending on who needs the "rune" or prayer at any given point in the story. Today, I am praying this prayer for a friend. Feel free to fill in the blank with names or places that need prayers in your life today....

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Patrick's Rune by Madeleine L’Engle

At Tara in this fateful hour
I place all Heaven with its power
And the sun with its brightness,
And the snow with its whiteness,
And the fire with all the strength it hath,
And the lightning with its rapid wrath,
And the winds with their swiftness along their path,
And the sea with its deepness,
And the rocks with their steepness,
And the earth with its starkness:
All these I place
By God’s almighty help and grace
Between myself and the powers of darkness!

Life Without Church - Part 3

2010-10-28T08:55:00.000-05:00

See Part 3 over at: If Life is a Highway

Life Without Church - Part 2

2010-10-08T21:35:00.000-05:00

Go see my post today at: If Life is a Highway...

Life Without Church - Part 1

2010-09-28T10:24:00.002-05:00

I was contemplating church and faith today. So, you can go read my thoughts over at: If Life is a Highway... See you there!

Ornament

2010-09-07T18:43:00.000-05:00

Creativity Boot Camp - Day 8

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I once heard a story about a man and a woman, who were planning to get married, and at some point along the way the woman realized that her purpose in the relationship was ornamental. She was filling a spot. Her husband-to-be needed to be married in order to have a certain status and in order to reach certain goals. She was a trophy, someone to hang on his arm and support and admire all of his causes. And she realized that this wasn't how she wanted to live the rest of her life. She had dreams and aspirations and goals of her own. And she broke off the engagement.

It sounds simple, doesn't it? Yet, I know it wasn't. It couldn't have been. When you have your heart and your life invested enough to plan a marriage, when you have someone who makes you feel beautiful, even ornamental, it's anything but simple to walk away. She could have lived a comfortable life in a comfortable house with a comfortable discretionary income. But she didn't. She wanted to work hard, to get dirty, to be someone. She didn't want to be a fragile ornament hanging on her husband's arm. I admire that. I am not an ornament. And I'm not living this life here to be ornamental. I want to live hard and know that if I fall I won't break. I want to be a partner to my husband and not his trophy.

Thank God I have a husband who expects me to be his teammate. Together we are strong. If he was working alone, and I was his ornament, we'd both be fragile. And we'd be lonely. The life we live is a lot more beautiful this way...more like a huge patterned quilt that wraps around and keeps us warm than a lovely, lonely ornament hanging by itself.

Fly

2010-09-01T12:17:00.002-05:00

Creativity Boot Camp - Day 7

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I know. It's been a long time since I've visited the Boot Camp. But I'm trying hard to actually follow through with this thing. You know, you can't call it boot camp if you give up, right? So, I'm going to keep plugging away. One post at a time.

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It wasn't flying. It was swimming, but it seemed so much like flying that, for a few second, the two might be mistaken. I was sitting on the beach, warm sand and a chilly breeze off the harbor, our two families laughing and screaming and delighting in the crash of waves larger than those we typically see in the summer at the Great Lake. My Spanish is poor to middling, and she doesn't speak English. So, we sat quietly most of the time, now and then interjecting a "wow!" or a laugh. Our children played in the waves, my daughter and her son...and our husbands...and Mane. We were the mothers sitting there shivering on the beach, smiles wide.

And I looked up to see Vespera & Niteo turn their backs to a huge wave as it crashed over their heads, saw them bob up and hold each other tight. Then Vespera ducked under the waves, and just for a second I wished I had a camera, though I knew it wouldn't do any justice to what I saw, to what was in my heart or before my eyes or in the air and the wind and the waves. A huge wave came rolling in, and just as it approached, Niteo turned his back to it and spread his arms out wide, flying free, and the wave rolled right over his head. For just an instant, I saw him through the wave, in the middle of the wave, covered and embraced...and embracing. I thought of how this has always been a freeing place for him, a place of homesickness and healing at the same time. The wind continued to blow, and the waves crashed, and Vespera and Niteo spun through the waves, ducking and diving and bobbing and laughing, as the seagulls overhead laughed and spun and dove in the wind. Flying.

I don't know how or when we are ever all free of the bits of life that entangle us, the worries of school and money and career and children and health and poverty and crime. But, I know that somehow, we are offered freedom in our hearts. We can step out of the tangle and fly. Maybe we rise above (or Rise Against?), and maybe its the wind in our faces or the waves pouring over us that set us free.

Music Monday - Swing Life Away

2010-08-30T22:17:00.000-05:00

Swing Life Away by Rise Against
Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand....until you hold my hand

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

Fluid

2010-07-02T16:26:00.001-05:00

Creativity Boot Camp - Day Six

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My brother in law loves to tell a story about when he and his father, Mango's father, were shopping at Home Depot some years ago. As he and his dad were walking the aisles, they saw ahead of them a man pushing a cart of long metal pieces. From the side a little boy was approaching, who was eye level with the metal but too small to be seen by the cart "driver." As the metal pieces and the boys eyes were about the collide at right angles, my father in law strode forward, reached down, and placed a gloved hand at the end of the metal pieces all in one fluid motion. The boy and the cart missed each other. Neither knew that a disaster had just been averted, but a store employee, who was some distance away and had been holding his breath, saw the whole thing. Shaking his head at the close call, he congratulated my father in law on his quick, calm, and flawless response.

Every time I hear that story I get chills, and I love to listen to my brother in law tell it. I am struck by the way our lives are like this. We can't stop time or replay ourselves in slow motion in order to see the many ways that we have been saved by the hands of another. Just as my father in law moved fluidly through this moment, stepping forward, reaching out a hand, covering the sharp endings, and then moving on without so much as a shout or a sideways glance, our own lives flow on without stopping for us to see the near misses, the "almosts" and the calm buffering of strong, experienced hands.

Yet, just as certainly as I know this story is true, I know that my own story has similar moments. Sometimes we are lucky enough to bear witness to one of the instances, as my brother in law was, and we can hold that one moment of fluid time cupped in our hands like a clear drink of water. We are revived and strengthened in bearing witness.

Grow

2010-06-23T20:09:00.000-05:00

This post is part of Creativity Boot Camp: Day Five.

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When I was a little girl
I would stand in the middle of the corn fields
and imagine myself rooted in the ground,
growing with the corn stalks,
sun on my face.

When I was in college,
I would stop in sunlit windows
and close my eyes facing the sun.
I'd say to anyone who cared to listen,
"I'm photosynthesizing."

When I was camping
with my husband and daughter
I stood on the beach
with my face in the wind
and opened my arms to the sky
like a tree.

Cornfields
and sunlight
and the wind in my face
have steadied me,
tied me to the earth,
as my life has grown around me,
a crazy wild garden.

Heavy Metal

2010-06-21T15:24:00.001-05:00

Creativity Boot Camp - Day Four

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Yes, Creativity Boot Camp is going at its own pace in my house. And I don't know when I'll finish. That's not the point. At least, that's what they tell me over there. So, bear with me. While everyone else is finished. I am on Day Four.

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When I was about five months pregnant, Mango and I went to the Whistle Stop Bed and Breakfast in New York Mills, MN. I brought along my prenatal yoga DVD and practiced every day in our very own train car while Mango tried to convince me that pregnancy looked good on me. He even took my picture while I was up to me ears in bubble bath. (Yes, the train car had a whirlpool tub.)

We came home with a heavy chunk of metal as a souvenir: a railroad spike painted gold, the signature gift of the Whistle Stop B&B. It was such a strange gift, heavy and spray-painted. We still have it, and I've contemplated from time to time what it means (being a person who contemplates the meaning of the unexpected and unusual in life - see my posts about double-yolked eggs...oh, and there were several more double yolked eggs one morning last week - we're still wondering about the meaning of this...).

The "original" golden spike was driven by Leland Stanford at the completion of the transcontinental railroad in 1869, a commemoration of the union of the two major railroads in the U.S. at the time. I like that - a symbolic spike tying the two railroads together...railroads that go a lot of different directions but are ultimately united and work together for the same purposes and goals. And that's what Mango and I are - two people working on various separate things in life but ultimately united together in purpose, in goals, in meaning. And there we were about to have our first baby, half of my DNA bound to half of his DNA to create something completely new and different, a golden spike, if you will, tying us together, not just in purpose and spirit but in the real physical world. It isn't that we weren't bound together before, but a baby is a tangible, physical bond...not evidence of our bond, but an actual real life bond - part of me and part of him.

I just have to sit with that for a while.

Then I think of all the things that railroads mean. My grandfather worked for Burlington Northern for his entire work career. Perhaps that's why I find some fascination with railroads, though he never spoke with me about his work. Or, perhaps, it's because I grew up with the movie Stand By Me, and there was something so captivating about following a railroad track. Railroad tracks are on a mission to somewhere and they slice through so much of life along the way. Like my life. And Mango's life. And our children. Yet the whole thing is tied together by these spikes, grounded, stable, connected to the solid terra firma and to every other track.

And it was on the old railroad bridge over Lake Calhoun where Mango first told me that I was beautiful. This was before we were a couple. And I didn't know what to say. There I was on those old tracks, not even knowing which direction my life was going or what to say about it. I like the way that old railroad tracks sit in the ground and the grass and flowers grow up around them, and they seem almost (but not quite) like part of the natural world all over again. They remind me of the past, of the people who came before me and the things that make me who I am today. And I can still follow those old tracks to somewhere...and sometimes they meet up with some new tracks, like the Hiawatha Line in Minneapolis, like the way layers of my life meet up and are sort of the same but altogether different...all tied together by those heavy chunks of metal. Heavy metal.

Multilayered

2010-06-12T21:47:00.000-05:00

This post is part of the Creativity Boot Camp, Day 3.

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I've always said that healing is a spiral upwards. You keep climbing up, but the issues do come back around again. I wasn't the first person to say that. Those are just words I clung to when I was most looking for some thoughts on healing in my own life. I don't know who said them first. I've been repeating them ever since.

You cannot expect healing to be all done after your first go-round of the spiral. The first go-round is just the first layer...typically the one where you finally admit that you have a wound than needs healing and you're ready to finally face it. After that, there are many, many more layers stacked up in the spiral...like a slinky.

Hope is when you realize that the spiral is always going up. Each time you hit the same place on the loop, you're up another layer. You can't jump over that place on the loop because then the slinky and all its layers would fall apart. But, if you push through, you'll get to the other side...and be a little more healed because of it.

I'm not sure if the layers ever end, or if the slinky goes on for eternity...or, at least, until we die and meet Jesus and have our wounds healed by the Great Healer. In the meantime, each go-round of the spiral is its own new fresh layer...and also somewhat like the last go-round, like the seasons that are different every year but also somewhat the same. Each layer stacks up on the other, colorful slides of life, both the same and different each time. If you looked down through them you'd see who you once were and who you have become, all stacked one over the other...

...layer upon layer of the healing spiral carrying you ever upward.

Picnic

2010-06-11T12:33:00.000-05:00

This post is part of the Creativity Boot Camp, Day 2.

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What is it about a picnic that inspires us so? Is it like coloring outside the lines? Breaking the rules a little bit? And why are we humans like that? Why do we work so hard to keep our lives the same, resisting change, creating stability and structure. Then we want to rebel. We want something new and exciting to happen. We want to do something that isn't so ordinary and boring. We want to be distinguished. We want, in fact, the very thing we do not want...change.

So, we have little ways of breaking up the sameness. We have picnics. Oh, the joy of eating outside on a summer day, spitting watermelon seeds in the grass, not worrying about the spilled lemonade or the crumbs all over. We feel free.

And I've come to the conclusion that these little things feed our spirits. Our deviations from security and sameness wake us up a little. We delight in taking off on a road trip, eating under the open sky, stopping wherever we wish. It brings us freshness, like the smell of ripe tomatoes still on the vine, pungent and new.

We return, though, always we return (or wish to return), to our place of security, the taste of freshness and freedom keeps our secure places from growing stale. The picnic blanket tucked away reminds us that we're still free, even as we continue to walk the daily-daily of life.

Ivory

2010-06-11T12:04:00.001-05:00

I have been longing to join the Creativity Boot Camp along with some other wonderful women bloggers (whom I discovered through the Momalom gig), but the first word prompt on Day 1 threw me so badly that I had to let it rest for several days. I was planning to remain several days behind the rest of the camp anyway, as Boot Camp began in the days prior to my oldest flying out of country, and I needed to spend time with her. Anyway...the first day's prompt was the word, "Ivory," and I haven't been able to finish the piece of writing.

Here it is in its partiality...so that I can move on, and let it sit while I continue with the boot camp prompts.

Ivory makes me think of elephant tusks and piano keys and the book about the tooth fairy that I used to read to Mane when she first started losing teeth. It also makes me think of wedding dresses, of the more muted and elegant color of ivory in contrast to the stark white of...well...white. And then there's the stigma that off-white is for the non-virgin bride. And then my thoughts spiral away like elephant tusks thinking of the damage done in the name of female virginity.

I finished a novel about a week ago called Breath, Eyes, Memory about a Haitian girl who comes to live with her mother in the U.S. at the age of 12 and her experience with the practice of mothers "testing" their daughters to check the status of their virginity until they marry. This is to insure that the family name will not be dishonored by a woman turning out to not be a virgin on her wedding night. This, of course, raises myriads of questions for me. Among them: What kind of husband parades a bloody sheet through the streets after his wedding night? Should he really be proud of himself for that?

And then I think of the opposite of the ivory wedding dress...the ivory tower: the elite untouchables, those who are too clean and pure to touch the rest of the world. Strangely, I feel that both the obsession with virginity and the cloistered elitism are part of the religiosity of conservative Christianity...or, perhaps, it isn't Christianity, but just religiosity, which seems to fall so readily into legalism. I'm not talking politics. I'm talking about graceless religion...the kind of religion that looks down its nose at people but refuses to get dirty in the trenches doing the real work. Hypocrisy. Claiming to love but refusing to love anyone who is lost, or wounded, or misled.

And I keep picturing the curve of the elephant tusk, the fine, easy graceful curve...the dangerous curve...both sides of the same coin.

That's really all. Spiraling thoughts, eh?

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Questions from Mane

2010-06-09T20:08:00.001-05:00

Today Mane asked me, "Have you ever noticed that you can't lift something up that you're sitting on? ...I mean, did someone discover that sometime?"

Of daisies, streamers, balloon, and bouquets...

2010-06-01T21:36:00.000-05:00

This is what was left of my Mother's Day flowers two weeks after Mother's Day. My husband and my beautiful children brought me a bouquet of roses and lilies and daisies and greens. After the roses and lilies started to droop, I took them out and kept the daisies and greens. Today, a single daisy still remains in a bud vase on my counter. ...I like to draw out the bouquet as long as I can, cutting stems, replacing water, and picking out the drooping blooms until it's time to let it all go. I think we do holidays like that, and birthdays, too, here at The Midnight Cafe. The streamers from Niteo's surprise birthday party over a week ago still grace the doorways, just as the balloons from Mane's party hung from the trees in the yard until they wrinkled up and had to be cut down. And Vespera's wedding bouquet still hangs from the hook in the kitchen ceiling. We honor the person(s), whose day it was, as we pass by the bits of their celebration day after day.

I heard once that your birthday isn't over until you receive the last card. I like that. We like to draw things out, milk them dry to the very last drop, and then we can be ready to release them...because the memory will be ours, even when the balloons have wrinkled, and the streamers have fallen, and the daisies have, at last, faded.

I read a poem yesterday by Will Allen Dromgoole called Fragments From the Years, and the last line sticks with me. In speaking of memories, he says,

"And sometimes, when life seems to hard, we give them greeting,

And know that memory is a possession, too."

I think of the way we hold onto the last vestiges of bouquets and decorations as out way rehearsing our memories before we tuck them away.

I'm honored!

2010-05-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

Post Mommy surprised me today with a "Versatile Blogger" award! I've never received a blogging award before, and I'm honored! I met Post Mommy through Momalom, and it's been delightful reading her blog (hint: that = go on over and check it out!)!

It appears that I must tell my readers 7 things about myself and then pass the award on to others. So, here are my 7 things (trying hard to come up with things I haven't already said in this blog):

1. In spite of all my talk about organic foods, natural products, attachment parenting, and the like, I cannot grow a garden worth beans.

2. I wore a bikini for the first time last summer.

3. I've been to 5 other countries outside the U.S.A.: Canada, Mexico, England, Scotland, and Belize - in that order.

4. I've known my best friend since we were 7 years old. (Go see her over at Driving With the Windows Wide Open!) We used to pledge our friendship over a stream in the woods behind her house, and we played with paper dolls that I still have in an album on my bookshelf.

5. I have a daughter and son-in-law from Mexico, and I still don't speak Spanish worth beans.

6. I don't really know how much beans are worth.

7. I resisted blogging for a long time, and I still sometimes wonder why I'm typing everything on the internet for the whole world to read.

I hereby bestow the Versatile Blogger award upon...

Driving With the Windows Wide Open because she truly is a Versatile Blogger, moving in and out of newsy items, stories, links and videos, and a timeline of Tolkien's life!(Just click on the award to make it load in a new window & copy the link to post it in your blog!)

Lauren at Something Glorious because I know she reads my blog, and I really, really want to see her post something in hers! You've got to read this woman's writing! It's fabulous!

and

Ash at Simple Gifts, also because this woman is totally Versatile!! He blog has some serious and spot-on thoughts on parenting, fabulous photos, prose that'll make you laugh and cry, and a garden enough to make you hungry!

I would nominate Char at Well Blue, Productions, but I'm afraid she's busy with newborn twins right about now. Love you, Char!!

Peace!

~ MidnightCafe

Where There is No Vision - More Marriage Thoughts

2010-05-21T09:56:00.004-05:00

My Bible study group was discussing recently something Beth Moore once said about how churches get all caught up in legalism and things that don't really matter when they aren't actively living out a mission together, when there is no goal, no vision, no active work of God's Spirit or God's presence. When there's nothing active happening, the waters stagnate. Churches die, and the people that are left end up arguing about minutia, spinning circles with nothing to do.

Proverbs 29:18 says (in paraphrase), "Where there is no vision, the people perish." It seems to me that marriage is the same way. When we lack vision, common goals, something we're actively working on together, the marriage dies - from lack of attention, from neglect and boredom. And this happens even when life is busy and it seems like you're doing a lot together (i.e. childcare, household care, meetings, events, etc...). You can be very, very busy, and still lack vision. Vision gives your life purpose and direction.

For busy couples with young children, it can be enough to make the things they're already doing together their vision. It's about intentionality. If raising your children together really is your vision and you're intentional about it, you can be just that - intentional and present. Still, what we've found is that when we finally have time alone without children, is that we used to spend the time wondering what to do. We needed direction for ourselves as a couple apart from the daily daily of life...long term and short term intentional things we wanted to do and accomplish together. Some things currently on the list are as simple as going to see the Dead Sea Scrolls at the science museum. That's a goal sometime when we finally have a minute to spare.

Mango and I were talking about this the other day, and he offered this perspective:

Marriages need things that couples are working on together - common goals, common interests. Sometimes life gives you these and you need to work together or support each other. When it doesn't you have to create your own common goals. But every couple should anyway. What do you want your life to look like? What do you want to accomplish together? What do you want to do to enjoy life together and enjoy each other? What things do you want to do together, learn about, what skills do you want to develop, what places do you want to visit?

Couples need to plan time that they can spend together and ask each other to do the things they want. Otherwise they end up living side by side parallel lives - together but alone (that's the worst kind of aloneness to have). So time for each other needs to be a top priority. If people don't make some plans, their time will just slip away and leave them feeling disappointed that they didn't do anything valuable with it. Or they will default to doing their own thing or things that are easy but neither of them really care about (and watching TV doesn't count). It will start to feel like they should have just worked more hours or done things with someone else. But in reality, it's not that they don't enjoy time together, it's just that they haven't given themselves a chance.

Also, couples need to make space to be intimate together. Instead of just waiting for an "appropriate" time to initiate something, like when you are going to sleep, and already too exhausted, couples should talk about desires ahead of time and spend a nice evening together anticipating what they planned for later - set up expectations and give intimacy a chance, give anticipation some time to build.

It is fun to be really spontaneous, but sometimes complete spontaneity doesn't work. We keep a note book of places we have heard of that we want to visit and things we want to do together. It's not like it's a lot of work - just a place to keep the cards, advertisements or places or events that you jot down so you can actually do them. Then instead of not knowing how to spend your time when you finally have some, these things make you really look forward to having time together and being excited about it. It will start to feel like you never have enough time to experience all the things you want together. It lets you be more spontaneous because you always have things you would like to do.

So, there you have it folks...more thoughts on marriage by MidnightCafe & Mango!

Say Yes!

2010-05-18T10:43:00.005-05:00

I received a very valuable piece of parenting advice once. The advice was to say "yes" to my children as often as possible so that when I needed to say "no" they could respect it.

I must say that 8 years into this parenting adventure, this advice rings true. I find that, for me, the word "no" comes far too quickly. When I know that things will be messy or exhausting or chaotic and they'll require a lot of set-up and clean-up and monitoring, I'm tempted to say "no." I have to ask myself if my "no" comes from a good reason or if it's just my own impulse to keep things neat and clean and simple.

Because when I say "yes" I let my child know that what they want is important, too. I let them know that I hear them, and that I want them to have a say in how their life should go. I open us both up to new experiences and possibilities just by being willing to try out a "yes" before I decide if "no" is really worth it.

Saying "yes" releases me from the power struggle of saying "no" for no good reason. It builds contentment in our relationship because we aren't constantly fighting about what they can and cannot do.

"No" still isn't always well-received, but I know that it's built on a foundation of "yes," and that means our relationship will recover. And because I know that my "no" isn't just instinct or impulse, I can provide a valid reason and respond with confidence. My confidence gives my child confidence - confidence that I know where the boundaries lie, that they will not just keep running to the edge of the world until they fall off, but that they will, indeed, meet up with a fence that keeps them safe.

And so I try to practice "yes" because I know that "no" will come anyway.

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This post is a part of Momalom's Five for Ten...

A Call to Lust

2010-05-17T09:07:00.011-05:00

The Momalom topic of the day is...lust.

I rolled the word around in my head and off my tongue over and over yesterday. What is lust anyway?

Craving,
Desire,
Ardent Enthusiasm,
Zest,
Relish,
Hunger,
Yearn,
Intense Eagerness...

I thought of how we describe a healthy baby's cry as lusty and the brilliance of an object is its luster. But lust all by itself almost always connotes something sexual. It also almost always connotes something illicit or indecent. Lust has a place though, an invaluable place in a whole and holy marriage. In marriage we find a place where it's safe to crave, to hunger, yearn, desire...lust.

In this unexpected Momalom assignment, another piece of the vast writing that Mango & I have done on marriage has fallen into place - the piece on desire. Though we wrote quite a bit on the value and meaning of physical intimacy, desire is different. It's the relish, the final ingredient without which the whole dish loses its flavor.

It's about wanting
and being wanted
and wanting to be wanted.

It is what sets eros apart from all the other kinds of love. Unlike other loves, eros requires a mutual desiring. Equally, it is giving and being given to, loving and being loved. As such, it also requires that we say what we want...that we, perhaps, lust, for our partner. Lust is going after what you want because you're desperate for it, hungry for it. It's a craving for closeness - body, mind and soul. And this is so essential to a marriage that is alive and whole and beautiful.

You see, marriage is only partly about doing our best to love our partner, pouring out our words and actions to bring them joy and satisfaction and fulfillment. That is only half the picture. The other half is about allowing our own needs to be met, desires fulfilled, wants answered. In fact, we deprive our partner of the ability to fulfill their own calling to love us in marriage if we cannot say what we desire.

I believe that it is the desire of God for us to love and be loved. Scripture tells us that God is love. And I believe that when we refuse to be loved, we are refusing to accept our partner's God-given calling to love us. We're interfering with their life's calling, preventing them from accomplishing God's mission for them here on this earth. So, in fact, accepting love is also a calling. And this is not a passive acceptance, but an active calling. We must take responsibility to ask for what we want, to go after what we long for and desire.

And I don't believe it's always as easy as it sounds. Though lust looks lusty, it isn't always so simple to go after what we hunger for in a marriage. It's vulnerable to say what we want, especially when we're in them middle of difficult or stressful circumstances, misunderstandings, or conflicts. And it's difficult to persist when one way of asking doesn't get us what we want. We forget that spouses are like foreigners, coming to each other from different family cultures, and it takes time to learn the language of the other. Sometimes we have to ask and ask and ask again...but this is what hungry people do. Likewise, our partner isn't always in the position to give, and all of our desires must be rooted and grounded in care and love. We must bind our lust to our love for our partner. They must be inextricable so that we never ask without regard for the person whom we are asking.

Most often, I think one person gets caught up in giving, in trying to be the perfect, selfless partner, the one who takes care of everyone and everything while denying their own hungry self. This kind of thinking, though, leads to a relationship that lacks depth and growth. When a person fails to tell their partner what they want, refuses to pursue their own needs, they don't allow their partner to really know them or to be fulfilled in their own call to love. The giving becomes empty because it doesn't exist in relationship, it lacks mutuality and synergy. It fills up the other person for a while but does not build relationship. Eventually the other person feels empty, too, because they don't really know their partner and, therefore, cannot reciprocate the giving. A refusal to speak your desires is a refusal to be known.

And so, to fulfill the call of marriage, the call of eros, we must risk pursuit of those things we crave, our innermost hungers and desires. We must stop being saints and martyrs and risk being known. We must dare to yearn for those things we want...in fact, to lust for that person whom we are called to love.

Indelible Beginnings

2010-05-15T09:05:00.001-05:00

I remember when I realized that the words I was reading meant that you loved me, that you wanted what I wanted, that we had been hoping for the exact same thing. And then I was all shy and embarrassed, like when we open Christmas presents in front of the whole family, everyone watching and anticipating a response. I remember the olive green trenchcoat you always wore and the way it smelled of the woods and your cologne and the way I leaned into you, holding your coat pockets. And there was the Ford Bronco named Elf where we sat together as lightning flashed across a blue black October sky, the whole back a pile of red roses.

It took long moments for me to really understand what you were saying, to know that it wasn't just wishful thinking, that you were really there and I was really there, and you were asking if you could kiss me. I'd never kissed anyone before, unless you counted my parents and all the little babies at church. I leaned in to you, and you leaned into me, and then I pulled back, too overcome with awkwardness mumbling something about never having kissed anyone before. And you said, "It's ok. I've never kissed anyone I loved like this before." And I knew you were nervous, too, and then it was ok.

I remember the cassette tape of songs you had recorded for this very night. (Remember cassette tapes?) And there was the notebook I had been writing since the night of the Mary Chapin Carpenter concert at the State Fair when we wished on the first star together. I had wished for this moment ever since.

You slid a little gold ring onto my finger. The ring bears the swirling pattern of a Celtic knot, something that's part of your heritage now belonging to me...

...now belonging to the family we have created together. Everything's built on this memory, the starting point, this fragile, tender, indelible beginning.

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This post is a part of...

Memory Outside of Memory

2010-05-14T13:00:00.003-05:00

I remember her playing with Mane when we came to pick Mango up from school, and when we drove home Mane said, "I wish Vespera was my sister." Did she know? Is there a memory outside of memory for the things that haven't happened yet? Not one month later we'd be in the process of adopting her. I didn't know that day. Mango didn't know. Mane, at 4 years old, surely didn't know.

I remember back, 4 years prior, my pregnant self walking in a gently falling December snow and thinking that Mane would be born in the snow. I shook my head at myself. Mane was due 4 months from then - in late April. Even in Minnesota, that would be late for snow. She was finally born - ten days past her due date - in early May following a late spring snowstorm! How could I know? I didn't know. And yet I knew...as though I remembered already.

Memories, for me, are something mystical. Sometimes we remember before, sometimes after, sometimes differently than what someone else remembers, sometimes ALL the details, and sometimes only fragments. Sometimes we remember nothing but the feeling, or the smell, or the music. Our memories store themselves in the time of year or in a type of weather, in favorite foods, and in kinds of flowers. And, I feel that even when we can't remember, we have a certain type of memory. Our bodies know things that our mind does not, stores things in our hands and feet, in our arms and legs and the smalls of our backs. So, we remember.

Sometimes I want to make myself remember. And so I write things down and take a lot of pictures. I close my eyes and try to freeze-frame the thoughts and feelings, colors and textures of the moment. Then I discover that memory doesn't work that way, will still come and go as it pleases, with the smell of lilacs on the breeze and changing color of the leaves in the autumn. As much as I promise myself that I will remember forever, I still pick up an old piece of writing and am surprised by the things that happened to me.

Perhaps we'd be crushed if we remembered all the pieces of ourselves all at once, if we could remember everything that ever happened all at the same time. The present would be drowned by the past. Instead we call up only the memories we need to inform the present moment. And then, occasionally, we are blessed by the sweetness of an unbidden memory, the softness of a baby cheek, the smell of old perfume in a box of letters...or, perhaps, something that is yet to come in the gently falling snow.

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This post is part of Momalom's Five for Ten

"Happiness is..."

2010-05-12T12:54:00.006-05:00

To get my blog out of its bloggy slump and to connect with some other bloggers out there in blogland (and because Heather of the EO is doing it), I've decided to join Momalom for their current Five for Ten event. (Except it's day 3, and I'm a bit behind...)

Today's topic is "Happiness is."

I'm having a lot of trouble with this one (I know, I just got started, and already I'm having trouble) because I so very seldom use the word happy. I try to focus on joy, on contentment. When I think about the things I wish for my children, I want them to be happy for sure, but even more than happiness I want them to be content with their lives, to be satisfied, to be fulfilled. In the words of Thoreau, I want them to "live deliberately...to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life." Sometimes that isn't always happy work. It's complex and confusing, often arduous and sometimes painful.

"Happy," for me, conjures up images of neatly wrapped packages all tied up with pretty bows. Sometimes we receive those packages in life. And it's beautiful when we do. It's lovely to receive one of those gifts and have the excitement of unwrapping what's inside. It's lovely to have one of those moments when everything is tied up neatly, just for that moment, shimmering and sparkling and just plain pretty. But that's exactly what they are...just moments. It's not a whole lifetime of one beautiful present after another. Often our gifts come plainly wrapped with little fanfare, and we have to work for them. We have to dig up the treasure, get some dirt under our fingernails, sweat a little. And that, I think, is where the real joy comes from, the contentment that isn't just skin-deep happiness.

What it really comes down to for me is that life is really about people. It's about loving others out of the overflow of God's love for us. And loving others, although it can be filled with happy moments, is not always happy work. The depth and strength of the love we build when we endure life's less-than-happy moments is where we find true contentment and fulfillment. It is the true lifeblood, the marrow, of our lives.

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Do not let the sun go down...

2010-04-03T20:12:00.006-06:00

A friend, who is in the middle of a painful and profoundly sad divorce, told Mango & I this morning that the biggest thing we could do for our marriage is to follow the Bible's advice to not let the sun go down on our anger. I thought about that in light of another conversation I had with a married friend the other day. We were talking about how sometimes you're just too tired to talk about whatever it is that's making you angry. Or, in mathematical terms, tired + angry = completely irrational and unable to reach any sane solution. Things tend to look so much better in the morning. Problems looks smaller in the light of day after a good night's sleep. Except...

By either ill fate or a stroke of luck, I am constitutionally unable to sleep while angry/upset/frustrated. So, try as I might to take a break and let sleeping dogs lie until morning, I can't do it. I won't sleep anyway. I need to solve things RIGHT NOW. Or, as Mango will confirm, three hours from now after a whole lot of crying.

My method isn't entirely sane. It certainly involves a lot of drama. Problems look so much larger than life at the end of a long and tiring day. Not to mention that I know that I'll know in the morning how small the problem actually was in proportion to my emotional response, and that could be embarrassing. I know this, and I stay up late wrestling things through anyway. Fortunately, Mango is somewhat similar and isn't interested in the restless and unsatisfying sleep of the angry. Mostly, though, I know he just loves me, and so he paces with me through the emotional drama so we can get to the end of it and sleep in peace.

Our friend this morning said that he went to bed angry many-a-night, and this led to a sort of syndrome of sweeping things under the rug. Because the issues looked so much smaller in the morning, they never really get resolved until they were much, much bigger. In his case, unsolvable.

So, maybe, the whole thing about not letting the sun go down on our anger makes it so we wrestle over the small issues before they become big issues. All the little things pop up when we're tired. Is it possible that this is the right time to deal with them - tired, stressed, overwhelmed, and emotional, though we are? Is this, perhaps, the time when we let our hearts and emotions rule over our reason? And this is the place where we, therefore, get at the "heart" of the issue, the driving force, the internal hurts, fears, motivations, and insecurities? Is this the place where we can speak to and bring healing to each other in the deeper places of our souls?

I can't say that I know the answer because I know that waiting it out DOES sometimes prevent us from saying the wrong things, from speaking hurtful words that we don't really mean. I know, not because we ever go to bed angry, but because sometimes our disagreements are interrupted by the demands of daily life. We have children, after all. And when we come back to them, the issues no longer hold such emotional fire. And sometimes we even find that we don't need to have that argument at all. It was silly and unimportant, and we find grace for each others shortcomings.

So, what's the balance? There seems to be something to letting the small stuff slide sometimes. Some things we ought to simply forgive and keep moving. But, there's also something to not letting ALL the small stuff slide. Because some of that small stuff turns into big stuff. We need to distinguish between something that's going to get bigger and something that truly isn't a big deal. And how can we know when we're too exhausted to think straight?

Thoughts?

Resurrection Eggs

2010-04-03T10:29:00.003-06:00

We decided to dig out the mosaic circle that we use for Advent and use it to display the Passion story symbols from the Resurrection eggs. There's always been something powerful about keeping the circle of candles on the table for Advent and displaying the symbolic ornaments on our Jesse wreath. And there's something powerful about using the same mosaic plate for both Advent and Easter. It draws the whole story together. I see why cathedrals have been built with stained glass windows that tell the story of Jesus, and the Catholic Church employs the use of incense, music, icons, candles, and so many other tangible objects. We are human, and we need reminders.

Thoughts on Marriage

2010-04-02T21:13:00.005-06:00

Thoughts on Marriage by Mango and MidnightCafe

This was primarily composed by Mango. It's a "guest post" of sorts, though I edited, and we collaborated on many thoughts as the writing happened. Mango included some references to Catholicism, as the Catholic Church is a point of reference for Vespera & Niteo. It seems a timely post, very much related to Easter and the salvation we receive through Jesus, which allows us to love and be loved by the God of the universe and to, in turn, love each other.

Love, the highest calling

The highest calling of God is love. Jesus said that the two greatest commandments are to love God with all our heart, soul, mind & strength, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. 1st John 4:7 tells us "Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." We know that God is a God who honors and values relationships because God, within the self or person of God is a trinity (3 persons): God the father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. In the middle of God is a relationship, and love between those different personalities is what defines God. The whole creation was made as an outpouring of that love. That is why people, the crowning accomplishment of God's creation, are designed and commanded to love. This is essential to what it means to be created in God's image.

God created us to be the messengers of God’s perfect love to one another. We were created to love and be loved, and only in relationship with other human beings do we experience the hands, feet, eyes, and ears of love in a tangible/touchable kind of way. This is the 2^nd most important commandment, the purpose for creation, and God has placed it in our frail hands and hearts. We are the only hands that God has to love one another - frail, imperfect, sinful and broken people. We have been entrusted with this most sacred and important task.

Sometimes it is hard to get our minds around the fact that love is really the most important thing. We often only see the truth of that when extreme circumstances bring life into sharp focus, like seeing our lives flash before our eyes. Sin has come into the world to distort the meaning of our existence and our calling. The distortion of sin makes it seem like there are many other purposes for us and our lives: being successful, work, education, money. What is the purpose of these things, though, if it is not to worship God and provide for the people we love? Without love, these things are empty. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that even our good works are nothing without love. The real, genuine, and most important thing is love. We all know the old saying that "all you can take with you is that which you've given away."

In our broken, sinful, and frail selves it is easy to lose sight of this or just mess up. This is what is meant by 2nd Corinthians 4:6-7: "For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." We are those fragile jars of clay.

When Jesus died on the cross, he purified and sanctified us before God, making us holy people, acceptable in the sight of God. In accepting this sanctification, we become more able to receive God’s love and to share that love with others. When we place Jesus first in our hearts it is God’s holy and perfect love that we are able to show to others. We continually mess up and need forgiveness from God and those that we love. It is often said that the ones we love the most can hurt us the most. And we are more likely to hurt those we love because we feel most safe with them. When we call on God, we can draw from the infinite wells of God’s love to love each other. When we run out of ability in our humanness, God enables us to keep loving.

Marriage the deepest expression of love

Jesus tells us in John 15:9-12 that:

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Jesus gave his life for us on the cross, and this is the kind of extreme love that God calls us to when Jesus told us "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

In just this way, the Catholic Church orders the sacraments: Baptism, Communion, and then Marriage. First follow Jesus; then love each other. Baptism and communion symbolize our commitment to God (baptism) and our commitment to fellowship with God and other believers (communion). From this place of being grounded in God, we can answer the call of marriage, of loving another person fully and completely with the agape/unconditional love we receive in unlimited supply from our Creator.

Aside from death, marriage is the final sacrament. So, in this final sacrament, we are called to live out that deepest love – to lay down our lives for another. Jesus did this in his death. He died so that we can carry out this love in LIFE. In marriage we give our lives, not by dying, but by committing to another person forever. Through a lifetime of putting another person first, placing the love of that person before our own desires, we give our lives to each other in marriage. When two people do that for each other marriage becomes the beautiful thing that it is meant to be.

When two people love each other like this, they complete part of what it means to be created in the image of God. This is why marriage is so important and transforming in our lives. We live in relationship, in love. We work always to give, love and satisfy our partner, and they do the same in an endless loop of giving and receiving from each other. It is this beautiful synergy that makes a couple into a team. Each spouse is much more than they ever could be alone. Again, in the image of God, it is from the overflowing of this love, and this firm foundation of trust and support that a couple reaches out in love to others, children, friends and community.

However, we are broken and imperfect, so it is not on our own that we can love each other like this, it is only through placing God in our hearts. We have all been hurt and are in need of healing. In our brokenness, we turn our hurt on each other, we lash out in anger, we blame, we are selfish, we refuse to listen, and we shut each other out of the hurt places in our hearts need healing most. Because of this imperfection, our partners will hurt us, and we will hurt them.

Nonetheless, in a marriage we are called to bring healing to one another. Just as Jesus came to bring healing to us, we are to bring Gods healing and love to our spouse. Ours are the only hands God has to show Gods holy and transforming love to our spouse.

We bring healing, through struggling through our own and our partner's pain, loving each other through it, being willing to be vulnerable again even though it may mean being hurt again, and never giving up, as long as their partner is fighting to improve and to do the same.

A spouse is God's greatest gift to a person. When we understand that we are the one chosen by God to bring love, healing and joy to our spouse it is a huge and wonderful responsibility. God's plan for us and God’s deepest desire for all of us is for us to be deeply loved, and deeply happy, full of joy and peace. We were created to give and receive that love, of which there is none greater, our whole lives lived for each other. That is the reason that God has placed partners together. Our job is to love each other, fulfill each other, and be God's messenger of love to our spouses. Through healing each other and loving each other we become the beautiful union that God has designed marriage to be.

Intimacy in Marriage

The Bible continually refers to us as body, mind, and soul. So God created men and women to make love together as a way to give themselves to one another on all levels of being: body, mind, and soul. It is so personal and private that we can hold back nothing of our selves. This is why we consider people truly married when they have given themselves to each other in this deeply personal way. Though we promise ourselves to each other in a church, marriage is consummated in that intimate private moment when we first truly give ourselves to each other. To consummate means to make real or to fulfill a promise. So the real requirements for marriage are that two people make a promise together before God and make love together.

Because sin has brought a curse of imperfection on our world, that first time can be painful, awkward, and frustrating. Really experiencing the wonderful connection that making love is meant to be can take practice, patience and working together. But it is, nonetheless, the first time when we take down all our barriers of privacy to give all of our selves to one another.

When we give ourselves to each other when we make love, we give fully from all that we are (body, mind, and soul), and we give each other a love that is perfect pure and holy. God has created us to be physical beings with body, mind, and soul all joined in one person. That is the reason that God has created us as sexual beings with bodies designed to match with another, male and female, people designed to fulfill another. Part of being a fulfillment to our partner is allowing them to live out God’s calling to love us, by letting ourselves be loved in all levels of our being. This can mean being vulnerable and open about our feelings and letting go of ourselves to really desire our partner. Often it is in the vulnerable times when we choose to stay open anyway that deep healing can really happen.

We are chosen by God to show God’s love to our spouses. God perfected us through Jesus’ death and resurrection, and God affirmed human love through Jesus’ birth, by becoming one of us. If Jesus can be born, in all the humanness of birth, and he could eat and sleep and breathe like any other human, then being human is right and good and holy. Human beings were created by God for the glory of God, and this means that God created sex and pregnancy and birth. These are the means God chose for the expression of love and the creation of new human life on earth. As creations of God, these things are holy.

Making love is holy. It is both acting out and recommitting to the covenant between spouses. It is a covenant of giving. When we make our partner feel wonderful, we give to them, honor them, and adore them, in the deepest way a person can. This is true whether it is wild and playful, slow and gentle, or intense and quick, as long as it is done with love, desire, honor and adoration. This is the reason the feelings from lovemaking make partners feel peaceful, relaxed, and contented.

The Need for Continued Connection with God

When we see ourselves like this we see what a problem it is when couples are not able to give themselves completely to each other with their body, mind, and soul. When we start to hold back, marriage stops being what God intended it to be. Because we aren’t perfect, and we live in an imperfect world, we struggle sometimes to stay close. We make mistakes, and we have to forgive each other. We never stop needing God’s salvation.

Through God’s forgiveness we are made perfect and holy. Yes, we still make a mess of things sometimes. Romans 3:23 says, “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,” and we continue to do so. But if we continue ask God’s forgiveness and each other’s forgiveness, we are already forgiven once and for all. The debt that was paid on the cross for us is forever. Through God’s salvation, we are made holy, and through God we can love one another with God’s perfect love. This is why God shows his love to us through people. That is why to love God and to love one another is our highest calling and the most important thing we can ever do.

This makes all the ways that we show love for people really important, but the love between husband and wife is exceedingly important. This love is the foundation of our families. It is through the over flowing of that love that we are able to be more together than we could be on our own. A marriage with God’s love in the middle will always be greater together than the sum of its parts (the two of you). You already see that that is true.

And, so, whenever we struggle with something, it is good and important to pray about it. We ought to make a habit of this. One of the things that C.S. Lewis says about praying is that God already knows our situation, but that God wants us to ask for the help we need. Sometimes the answer to prayer changes our situation, but more often it changes us to give us the ability and the wisdom to change our situation.

The Bible also makes it clear that God holds a special place for people when they pray together. Praying together places two people together before God. In the words of the Bible, it places God as the third strand in the "cord of three strands that is not easily broken." (Ecclesiastes 4:12) That is what your wedding was all about, but it shouldn't end there. Praying together is something you should do all your life.

God’s design is for marriage relationships to be deep and fulfilling. We help each other, support each other, challenge each other, and, most of all, love each other. We must always live for one another more than for ourselves and recognize that, aside from salvation, and the gift of our own life, our spouses are the most precious gift we will ever receive from God.

In marriage we are finally ready to be the person to bring God’s love to another. Each of us is the person that God has chosen to love our spouse. When we ourselves have been made holy and pure, we are able to love another with a love that is from God. We are able to be God’s messenger of that love, God’s agent on this earth to fulfill that purpose.

Talking about Easter

2010-03-29T09:35:00.002-06:00

So, today we started talking about Easter with Mane, using Resurrection Eggs:

They're these totally cheesy plastic eggs with equally cheesy little plastic figures inside that symbolize different parts of the Easter story. In all honesty, I could have made nicer ones myself, but I got the "real" set from Savers for $0.99. I couldn't pass it up when I saw it this summer, and I'm determined to push through the unappealing aesthetics in order to have a concrete, tactile tool for talking about Easter with Mane.

I described Mane this morning to Mango as a "theological child." She talks to me about God in these random moments. Once, I was cutting out paper dolls for her, and we were listening to Sara Groves. Mane told me that she knows the things I tell her about God are true because when she hears them she knows in her heart that they're true. I talked to her about how God made us so that even if nobody ever tells us about God, we can know God. That's part of the wonder and the mystery. And sometimes I think it's easier to know God if nobody ever tells us about God. It muddies the waters less. Maybe that's why I enjoy these theological talks with Mane. She seems to see so much more clearly sometimes.

So, this week, we'll follow the Passion Story (isn't it interesting that we call it that?) using our thoroughly American and 21st century Resurrection Eggs...because Mane is also my "kinesthetic child." Today we read the story of Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey. We read it from several different books: The Children's Illustrated Bible, Jesus: The Friend of Children, and The Easter Story. When one book referenced Jesus healing a lame man, we went back and read the story of the man who was lowered through the roof of a house by his friends. Jesus forgave his sins and healed him, and, though he had been paralyzed, he walked home healthy and strong. We also learned that kings would ride on donkeys in times of peace. They rode on horses in wartime. So, Jesus came into Jerusalem as a king of peace. The Bible is so rich with symbolism that I still find myself amazed, after all these years of studying.

Tonight we may open another egg, as there are 12 eggs and only 7 days until Easter. Tomorrow we will read Miriam's Cup in honor of the beginning of Passover. We have been reading Mrs. Katz and Tush for homeschool, which includes a beautiful explanation of Passover. And sometime this week we'll read The Tale of Three Trees.

I hoping this will develop into a tradition as rich as Advent has become for us. It's always hard the first time around. I always have to jump into these new traditions, and I feel unprepared no matter how prepared I am. Isn't that true of most new things in life?

Shalom.

Thoughts on Cohousing

2010-03-28T19:57:00.002-06:00

Cohousing is filled with all kinds of unusual questions and strange concerns.

I find myself wondering if I should hang out in the kitchen doing homeschool with Mane at the table in order to give the young couple some space in the the living room...or if it drives them nuts that I'm always in the kitchen when they want to cook (or shower, since the bathroom is right off the kitchen).

I wonder whether we should ask them to join us for everything, if they're tired of being bothered, or if they'll feel left out if we don't ask.

I wonder if we should say goodnight at night or if we should leave them alone.

When they're quiet, we wonder if they're ok or just sleepy or busy.

I wonder if I talk too much. And then I back off. And then I wonder if I haven't said enough.

We wonder if we should stay home when they're home in order to spend time with them or if they'd like to have the house to themselves.

And then. Then...I realize that we wonder and worry too much. It's ok to just be ourselves. We're all loving people with a lot of care and respect for each other. If we wonder, we should ask. Direct communication works amazingly well.

That is all.

Questions

2010-03-24T20:32:00.002-06:00

The other day, Mane was sitting with Vespera and I and my cousin while we were working on Vespera's homework project (a jacket made entirely of paper, using nothing but paper to hold it all together). She [Mane] plopped down next to me and asked,

"Do you ever have questions, but you don't really know what they are? You just know they're about life."

Why yes. I have those kinds of questions all the time. Thanks for asking.

Things to do in MN

2010-03-14T09:56:00.002-06:00

Someone on a homeschool yahoo group asked recently about family friendly places to go and things to do in southern MN and the Twin Cities. I thought it was worth saving my reply and posting it here:

* Visit the Faribault Woolen Mill Factory Outlet Store and take a tour of the Woolen Mill. We did this when Mane was 4yrs old, and she loved it. I think kids 4 & up would enjoy seeing the wool-making process. Faribault is about one hour south of the Twin Cities.

* In far south central MN near the Iowa border is the Spam Museum. Even if you think spam is disgusting (which I do), it's a fascinating slice of American history, and they have a number of hands-on activities for kids.

* LARK Toys is definitely worth visiting if you are near Kellogg, MN. Kellogg is on historic highway 61 along the MN and WI border. They have toy shops with both old fashioned & new/unique toys and games, a hand-carved indoor carousel, and a food shop where you can eat lunch or have ice cream!

* Also on highway 61 is the National Eagle Center in Wabasha. We got to see staff feed the eagles while we were there. They were supposed to be getting a golden eagle in the weeks following our visit. They have some hands-on activities and beautiful windows for eagle-watching.

Others have already mentioned the many Twin Cities options. I'll just add that the Minneapolis Institute of Arts is free. They have a kid's room with toys and also a coffee shop & deli.

If you're looking for a place for your kids just to play & blow off steam, there's a huge indoor play area in Edina.

*******************

Perhaps another day I'll post all the wonderful Twin Cities options. As I mentioned above, many people on the yahoo group had already listed the myriad of places to visit in Minneapolis and St. Paul.

Enjoy!

Music Monday - The BIBLE

2010-03-08T12:09:00.002-06:00

In honor of the Go Fish concert that we attended Saturday (as volunteers, thanks to my friend at Driving With The Windows Wide Open):

Thousand Word Thursday

2010-03-04T18:20:00.002-06:00

Cherries!

Iditarod XXXVIII

2010-03-03T08:07:00.010-06:00

The Olympics just finished up, but we still have Olympic fever at our house! So, it's a good thing the 38th annual Iditarod sled dog race begins on Saturday, right on the heels of the 2010 Olympics, and just in time to keep feeding our hunger for great sports action and stories.

This will be our 4th year following the Iditarod, both for fun and for education. Over the years we've been drawn to the stories of the mushers (the individuals who "drive" the sleds), and we have learned much about character, strength, generosity, and endurance. I'll never forget the story of the musher who lost one of her dogs during the race. She was so heartbroken that another musher offered to stay with her and keep pace with her for the rest of the race, just for company, thereby giving up an possible competitive finish for himself. And then there's the Red Lantern - the prize and trophy awarded to the last competitor to finish the race, a tribute to that musher's determination and an acknowledgment that any finish in this race is a prize-worthy accomplishment. I've found that the race and the stories that happen on the trail are so often analogous to the rest of life and faith.

This year we'll be following more that a few mushers. Of course, we'll have to keep tabs on some of our favorites: Martin Buser, DeeDee Jonrowe, Jessie Royer, Aliy Zirkle (in alphabetical order so as not to pick favorites).

We'll also be watching the 7 female rookies this year (Jane Faulkner, Kathleen Frederick, Tamara Rose , Michelle Phillips, Kristy Berington, Celeste Davis, and Colleen Robertia - listed in the order they're listed on the Iditarod website, also so as not to pick favorites). That's SEVEN women who have never run the Iditarod before this year!! I find that pretty amazing.

Finally, we'll be following Sam Deltour of Belgium, who was the first Belgian to finish the Iditarod (2008) AND the first person ever to finish with all 16 sled dogs (also 2008), Wattie McDonald, who is from Mango's country of ancestry, Scotland, and Newton Marshall, who is interesting just by virtue of being from JAMAICA!

That covers 14 of the 71 current entrants! Every year we seem to accumulate a few more names of interest. ;) We look forward to seeing what new projects we can build around the race this year and, of course, to a great party to celebrate the finish!

Music Monday - All I Want is You

2010-03-01T13:52:00.002-06:00

Today's Music Monday features "All I Want is You" by Barry Louis Polisar, as featured in the movie Juno.

If you didn't see the movie, I'd recommend it. It's been a while now since I saw it, but bits of it stick with me still. There was quite a bit of controversy surrounding the depiction of adoption and teenage pregnancy. It makes for a good conversation piece in that regard. I always like a movie that has a little conflict surrounding it. :) I loved the portrayal of characters, the way that I felt I knew people who would be just that way.

If you enjoy the music, you might enjoy this clip of Barry Louis Polisar singing the same song LIVE:

A GCM Statement: It is Time to Speak Out Against the Teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl

2010-02-27T12:47:00.005-06:00

I haven't been reading my favorite message board, Gentle Christian Mothers (GCM), since it is currently Lent. A fellow blogger, however, posted this statement. So, I went to the GCM facebook page to copy down the statement and pass it along. I stand in solidarity with my GCM friends and the many other Christian parents, who reject the teachings of the Pearls and choose to parent with grace and compassion, as Jesus taught us.

A GCM Statement: It is Time to Speak Out Against the Teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl

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Thu at 11:19pm

This statement may be re-posted in it's entirety.

The admins of Gentle Christian Mothers (GCM) have felt led at this time, as we mourn the loss of seven year old Lydia Shatz[1], to issue a statement of disagreement with Michael and Debi Pearl and their child rearing methods. Not only are their methods extreme and outside the realm of normal and healthy child rearing practices, but the doctrinal foundation for these methods contain a level of heresy, including denial of the Christian doctrine of original sin[2][3], which leave them without biblical basis and at odds with the truth that all are in need of salvation which has been provided through Jesus alone[4].

Though the Pearls affirm the value of relationships in parenting in their attractive "tying heartstrings" message, their harsh teachings are in diametric contrast to building healthy relationships. They advocate "training" and "chastisement" of children, starting in infancy[5][6], using methods and means not described in Scripture -- including using ¼ inch plumber’s supply line as a spanking instrument[7] and claiming that a "proper spanking leaves children without breath to complain"[8] -- for stated purposes of absolving guilt and cleansing the child's soul[9].

The combination of an adversarial us vs. them mindset where the parents must "win," physically "disciplining" children until they surrender their will and show total submission, and false doctrine makes the Pearls' methods dangerous. They present a very distorted picture to the world of what it means to be a follower of Jesus and a Christian parent in the world today. It is time for Michael and Debi Pearl to be held accountable for their teachings. We urge other Christians to join us in speaking out against what Michael and Debi Pearl have been teaching for far too long.

References

1. Godly discipline turned deadly: A controversial child "training" practice comes under fire -- this time from Christians themselves, Lynn Harris, Feb. 22, 2010
2. Second Council of Orange (529)
3. Teaching tape on Romans 5:12-21 by M. Pearl
4. Michael Pearl on Original Sin: An Analysis, Catez Stevens, October 11, 2005
5. To Train Up a Child, M. Pearl, D. Pearl, chapter 1
6. "In Defense of Biblical Chastisement Part 2," M. Pearl, October 2001
7. Ibid.
8. "Angry Child," M. Pearl, August 1998
9. "In Defense of Biblical Chastisement Part 1," M. Pearl, May 2001

For more resources, check out: Why Not Train a Child?

Lenten Change

2010-02-22T17:00:00.009-06:00

For those of you who have been following, I've been declared free of carcinoids. My lab results came in last week...after Ash Wednesday. I can't begin to tell you how my mind has reeled for the last few months, or even how I feel right at this moment. I felt light and relieved for a time. To tell you the truth, though, I feel like there's something new about my life that just won't change now that I've been to this place...now that I've rolled the word cancer off my tongue a few several dozen times. Lent is a good time for change. I'm glad I'm taking the space to breathe and focus this Lent, and really give the changes the time and space to settle. There are so many things that change us...we humans. We are changed by marriage and children, sickness, weather, food, caffeine, sleep, money, movies, the cars we drive and the clothes we wear. We change those things and they change us. They're part of identity, whether we choose them or not.

This Lent I'm making an effort to choose things that change me in a good way. You may be asking if I've had any luck choosing grace this Lent. The answer is both yes and no, and I suppose it's the struggle that changes me. I've had exactly 2 moments since Lent began when I began the spiral into self-deprecations and doubt. I said, "The Lord longs to be gracious to me. The Lord longs to be gracious to me. The Lord longs to be gracious to me," and I thought, "I still feel like a miserable person, and I wish I could go hide." I realized that it's more difficult to step off that moving train than I had thought. But, you know, I didn't have to wait for the train wreck before I could get off this time. I stepped off before it crashed. Which, I'm sure, was nice for my husband, for a change.

I'm making some other changes...but I've run out of time to blog for now. So, stay tuned...

Lent

2010-02-11T10:11:00.005-06:00

Ash Wednesday is next Wednesday, February 17th, and so begins a new Lenten season. Strangely enough, this time of year has begun to hold real meaning for me, as I take a break from my favorite mothering message board every year for Lent. This will be my 4th year. (I will still be posting my blog, though. So, stay tuned.) It's not about taking a break from friends and support. In fact, I've been planning a gathering of women from the message board, which will take place during the Lenten season. It's about spending less time at the computer, giving my eyes and my brain a break from the screen. It's too easy for me to get swallowed up by the web during this dreary time of year when it seems that there's nothing else to do. So, I intentionally take a break...before it becomes a problem. And I force myself to figure out what there IS to do in Minnesota in February.

There's one more thing I'm giving up for Lent this year. I'm giving up my refusal to accept grace...for 40 days. In place of self-deprecation and blaming myself for everything, I'm Choosing Grace, and I'm posting a new scripture on my wall:

"...the Lord longs to be gracious to you; the Lord rises to show you compassion." Isaiah 30:18

God wants to give me grace, to show me compassion. I guess if the Creator of the Universe wants grace and compassion for me, the least I can do is try to accept it. I may not be able to fully accept it in my heart, but, at the very least, I can stop speaking destruction. I can stop saying that things are all my fault or that I've ruined everything...or the million other things I say when I'm feeling awful that something went wrong.

That it all. I'll tell you how it's going in about a week.

What's For Dinner? - Chicken Enchiladas

2010-02-09T19:45:00.002-06:00

I used the chicken from the previous post to make enchiladas.

First, shred the chicken.

Then, prepare the tortillas by placing them in a pan of oil...

When the tortilla sizzles around the edges, flip it with a tongs. Watch for it to begin bubbling up, and then remove it from the oil. I put my finished tortillas on a plate like this:

When you have a little stack of tortillas begin rolling them into enchiladas by placing the chicken in them & rolling them up:

Top with lettuce, tomato, avocado, salsa, cream & cheese!

Make Your Own Chicken Broth/Stock!

2010-02-09T19:39:00.002-06:00

A friend asked me recently how I make chicken broth. Here's the answer:

Throw a whole chicken in a huge pot with at least 4 quarts of water. Add

about a pound of carrots,
5-6 stalks of celery,
2-4 small zucchini,
1-2 onions,
3-5 cloves of garlic,
2T salt,
and 1T apple cider vinegar.

Boil for several hours.

Today I removed the chicken after about 4 hours so that I could use it for dinner. I threw the bones back in the pot to keep boiling and to give the broth all the benefits of the bone minerals.

After 4 hours, I strained the broth, poured it into jars, and set the jars on my counter to seal:

The salt and the vinegar help to preserve the broth, and it can last several weeks in the fridge.

A Smooth Stone

2010-02-05T11:41:00.009-06:00

It's been pretty quiet here at The Midnight Cafe. It's been a week of quiet contemplation. One year ago today Vespera & Mango walked into the U.S. Consulate together while I and my parents waited in the car in a dusty parking lot...the car that was just totaled a month ago, by the way. Some goodbyes are hard to say.

And yesterday I walked into an oncology clinic with Mango while Vespera and Niteo made food at home.

The colliding of last year's memories with this year's reality created some kind of emotional quietude for me...a pensive waiting...well, that and a really massive headache. Some things don't come easy.

Today I'm waiting for the results of a blood test. Last year we were waiting for a return appointment to the Consulate. Our capacity for waiting has been stretched.

Sometimes I'm resentful that there have been so many crisis, one crowding after another, with no room to really soak up the turns of events or even the answers to prayer. We just keep careening along. I want to stop. I want to really feel the relief of returning from Mexico, the joy of graduations, the steady rhythm of a new school year, and the sweet delight of a Christmas wedding. I feel as though I might forget these things entirely if I didn't write about them.

Writing here is where I stretch out the space and stop to soak things in for a minute.

My mind turns over this smooth stone of time...this year...last year...one side is the trip to Juarez...the other side is the trip to the oncology clinic. Both sides carry the marks of anxiety. And relief. For, at this point, my new doctor has declared me healthy. She is running tests for my peace of mind but is convinced that there are no current worries. And, friends, she is an expert. I have been blessed beyond belief with a doctor who is both caring and wise.

I roll the smooth stone in my hands and think of last year's expert...the Christian woman who conducted Vespera's interview at the Consulate, who prays over her job every morning, and who cried real tears with Mango while approving all of Vespera's paperwork.

...on one side a crisis...on the other side a miracle...rolling along the smooth stone of time...

I hold it warm in my hands, close my eyes, and breath space for myself to think.

Choosing Grace

2010-01-25T14:57:00.007-06:00

Mango and I have been in a wonderful groove lately, really in sync and delighting in the steadiness and abiding love that marks this year of "us," even as life has dealt some serious blows. Something that always gets me, though, is the way I feel so guilty for the times that haven't been this good, for all the million ways I've failed. I feel loss for the times that could have been better if I'd only known this or that or been able to do this or that. I need some peace from this, some release from the guilt. The author of Passionate Marriage once said to a couple who lamented the lost years something to the effect of, "What makes you think you could have done this any sooner?" He was speaking of how all things come together to propel us toward the growth, how the place where we find ourselves is a culmination of all that came before.

Mango said to me the other day that he feels I've been more unconditional in my love for him recently than any other time in our marriage. Instead of taking this for a compliment and a statement of growth, I immediately felt guilty that I hadn't given him more of that before, that he hadn't felt it, didn't know it. Here I spend all this time writing about loving our partners unconditionally, and I have failed my own. It's exactly this kind of thinking, though, that makes things worse, that derails us from this beautiful groove, because it becomes all about me and how bad I feel. I get all hung up on wanting to be perfect, on wanting everything to have always been perfect instead of rejoicing in what we have now, in what we have become. I realize that I'm not a good partner when I feel this way, when I'm wallowing in my guilt and insecurities...which makes me feel more guilty and insecure...which inhibits my ability to just love freely and openly. I get defensive and fearful, feel the need to hunker down and protect my fragile self. It isn't pretty.

Mango offers me grace, loves me for who I am at this moment, revels in the growth we both have accomplished, and offers no judgment for the could-have-beens. He offers me a portrait of God's grace, draws on the unconditional One to extend unconditional grace to me. Why I struggle so hard against this grace is such a mystery to me. Why don't I just accept what is FREE, so freely given? For this is what defines grace - that it is free and undeserved. You'd think my greedy human heart would grab at this. After all, I love the free coupons in my Blue Sky guide, love Ben & Jerry's free ice cream days. Yet, I cannot easily accept the free-est and most free-ing gift of all. Instead I clutch my insecurities, anxieties, and imperfections like security blankets. I give guilt a free ride while failing to accept my own freedom. Why? Why do I need to CHOOSE grace? Acceptance of such a free gift ought to be as natural as breathing. But it isn't.

I don't know why I need to choose what is free, but today I am making a choice. I accept this beautiful place for what it is, trying not to get caught up in the could-have-beens. I choose to accept grace for this moment...and all the previous moments...in order to enjoy today, to love and be loved, to offer to Mango and Mane and Vespera and Niteo a wife and mother and friend who is alive and present and whole.

...and I will try to make the same choice tomorrow...

Music Monday - When the Saints by Sara Groves

2010-01-25T14:36:00.001-06:00

To the Moon

2010-01-20T08:26:00.002-06:00

I haven't done a Music Monday in a while, and today isn't a Monday, but I just had to share this song by Sara Groves. It had me laughing out loud in my car the other day. The person who posted it on YouTube called it "thought provoking, somewhat humorous." That fits.

Untitled

2010-01-12T19:05:00.005-06:00

Not to be dramatic, but tonight is my last night before becoming an oncology patient. I have all the phone numbers ready, insurance plan figured out, and I'll be making an appointment in the morning.

As far as I know, I don't have cancer at this very moment. But I did 2 months ago...before I had my appendix removed. The doctor called last week with the pathology report. There was a carcinoid tumor in my appendix.

I haven't been able to write about it because I feel as though I should have a way to wrap my post up neatly somehow, like a little package with a bow on top. I can't wrap this one up. I can't even get my brain around it. I know who I am and who I have been called to be. And I'll just keep living those things.

I feel as though my world has tilted. I'm suddenly thinking a lot more about making the most of each moment, recognizing each day as the gift that it is...being grateful for love, for my family, for good food, soft clothes, the fireplace in my living room, and biodegradable soap. I don't know why those things in particular right now.

You see, we already had one near-miss last week. Mango was in a car accident that totaled our car. He kept apologizing, though it wasn't his fault, and I kept telling him that I'm just so grateful to have him here. I wouldn't care if it was his fault. I just want him here. I cannot get enough of him, being near him, hearing his voice, holding his hand, sleeping next to his warm self. Last night we made a fire and lay on a sleeping bag on the living room floor, just chatting and laughing and reading a little together. What I wouldn't give for the rest of my life to look like that.

The news about the tumor came the day after the car accident, the day we bought a new car (a minivan, by the way, but that's another story). We felt grateful for both of our near-misses. The tumor would have grown and it would have been too late if it hadn't been for the appendicitis. And maybe the appendicitis was God's way of telling us that it wasn't an ulcer. You see, the symptoms of a carcinoid tumor look an awful lot like an ulcer. If we'd kept treating it as an ulcer, we still wouldn't have found the tumor. The appendicitis saved me. Ironic, huh?

In any case, my dear, sweet Mango is here with me still. And I with him. And we are blessed to have Mane and Vespera and Niteo, our children, all three here with us in our snug house. We have been given much.

I'm still afraid. And I'm angry and frustrated and tired. But I'm hopeful, too. And not despairing. This is what life on the edge is always about...living with ambiguity, never getting too comfortable. It keeps me grateful, keeps me in the moment. Uncomfortable. Exhausted.

That's it. No neat wrapping paper or pretty bows.

To Grow Luxuriantly...

2010-01-01T22:18:00.002-06:00

I think that change often happens slowly over time, so steadily that you barely notice, like when you look back over the year and you realize that you're not exactly the same person you were back then. Just as often, though, change happens in a sudden sort of way, like when you have an epiphany, a moment of understanding, an experience that changes life forever, and now you're different.

Maybe a wedding always changes things in that sudden sort of way. I guess I forgot. Or I was thinking that we'd already been living most of our lives together here in this house anyway, and it couldn't possibly change all that much.

But, I'm here to tell you that something changed. Vespera & Niteo came back from their honeymoon changed people. Grown people. Married people. It's exactly as it ought to be and somewhat surprising anyway. They are solidly together in a way I haven't seen before now, and they are managing things together as a couple - cooking, cleaning, laundry, afternoon naps, visiting family... If I didn't live here, I don't think I'd see the difference, but I can vouch for a qualitative difference in their relationship. They're facing the world together a unit, as one.

It's always been our privilege to witness their relationship in an up-close, magnified sort of way. You can't escape the energy of another couple when they're growing their relationship in your house, when they're living with you. It's amazing. And humbling. And surprising. And wonderful. I am constantly impressed and so proud of them. I don't think I've ever seen two people so entirely able to be aware of themselves and each other and to allow the growth of each other and their relationship.

This was a week of rapid growth, so profound and so real. It makes my change of Niteo's internet handle from Novio to Niteo that much more appropriate. (To read about the name change, read here.)

Introducing...Niteo

2009-12-30T21:03:00.002-06:00

I've been having quite a time trying to come up with a new screen name for Novio. As many of you know, I do not use real names on the web, and "Novio" is simply Spanish for "boyfriend." It seems that he's been promoted, and I've been contemplating for a week now what to call him.

I went to my trusty list of Latin words, since Mane & Vespera are both Latin. (Mane = early morning, and Vespera = evening prayer.) And I kept gravitating toward words that sounded similar to Novio. In the end, I decided on Niteo...

Niteo : to shine, glitter, be bright, glow, flourish

I had a hard time with this one since Niteo isn't such a glitter-y guy. But you ought to see the way his eyes shine when he smiles, the way his whole face brightens when Vespera walks into the room... And flourish is really a beautiful word. According to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, to flourish is:

to grow luxuriantly,
to thrive,
to achieve success,
to prosper

I just have to repeat that first one: to grow luxuriantly. I cannot imagine a better way to describe the kind of growth we have already seen in Niteo and in the relationship Niteo & Vespera have together.

Luxuriant. Deep. Intense. Beautiful. Extravagant. Abundant.

They have grown and thrived together, and we anticipate a life of success and prosperity...rich in love, joy, adventure, hope, and peace.

Selfishness & Selflessness - Take 2

2009-12-29T09:46:00.001-06:00

Two years ago I wrote a blog post called Selfishness & Selflessness, Marriage & Children. On Christmas Eve this year, I received the following comment:

I found this to be a very interesting and encouraging article. I find one of the tougher things in relationships is finding a good place to call the line. "It's a circle. It's not an exchange. Nobody is keeping track. Sometimes you give a lot and sometimes you need a lot. And as long as the balance doesn't tip too heavily in one direction for too long, it nourishes the relationship to carry on this way."

I am not sure if the author still visits these posts, but what are your thoughts when the balance tips a long way in one direction for a long time and stays there. How can you salvage it without making the relationship an exchange?

Even bringing up the problem is inherently somewhat selfish (though not in my opinion in a bad way) because it is communicating your needs. I can't find a great solution here. If you withhold from your partner until they become giving, it benefits neither of you, but in some cases just asking doesn't do the trick.

I mulled it over, and Mango & I had some long conversation about it, and this is my response...

The first and easiest is answer is the one you gave yourself. You need to talk about it. This is the kind of selfishness I was talking about in a positive way - being willing to say what you want. If you won't say what you want, how can you expect your partner to know what you need? If you asked Vespera or Novio what my number one piece of marriage advice is, I think they both could recite it in their sleep: Don't expect the other person to know what you want. You have to say what you want in order to get it. You grew up in different families with different communication styles, and your hints and non-verbals will not communicate adequately what it is you want. AND, it doesn't make your partners actions any less valuable that you had to ask. In fact, it is an act of true love for someone to do what you've asked, even though it is unfamiliar to them. Have I said it in enough ways yet? You MUST say what you want in order to get it. If you're unwilling to say, your relationship may die without your partner ever knowing WHY.

I must also say that just because you've asked for it before doesn't mean your partner will remember. I am guilty of this myself. Mango really, really needs me to use my words and TELL him how much I love and appreciate him. He soaks up words of affirmation like a sponge. I, myself, am not so good at saying how I really feel OUT LOUD in words. I talk a lot, but it's hard for me to get really personal in my talking. Sometimes I'm brought up short when Mango asks me a simple question about how I feel about something or another, and I realize I haven't even told him how much I appreciate something, though I've thought of it (and perhaps even bragged about him to my friends). I need reminders to express my love and care and appreciation to him in words. I promise you that it doesn't mean I love him less. I love him more than all my words put together could ever say. I just need to be reminded of how to love him best.

So, start by telling your partner what it is you want them to give. They may not know.

Several other things came to mind in response to your comment, though. First, I wonder if you feel like you're giving a lot and not getting a whole lot in return because you're not really speaking your partner's love language. If you're not familiar with the concept of love languages, you can begin reading here. It's possible that you're doing the dishes and making exceptional dinners when what your partner really needs in order to feel loved is a nice backrub. Or, it's possible that you're kissing and hugging when what they really need is practical help. Maybe their love language is words of affirmation, but you're not so good at speaking those words. Maybe you're better at touch or quality time or acts of service. It's entirely possible for two people to be loving each other in ways that don't really fill the other person's needs and desires for love. Have you asked what they want and desire? If you haven't, you may need to begin there. It's so much easier for your partner to give back to you and DESIRE to give back to you when they feel loved by you. I hear you asking about what happens when one person does all the giving, and I would first respond that it's important to make sure that it's the kind of giving your partner really needs. You see, it's natural for us to speak the love language that we, personally, desire the most. In fact, we can't imagine how the things we're doing wouldn't be the right things to make our partners feel loved, but, in fact, it's entirely possible that the language you're speaking is the one you want for you but not the one your partner needs for them.

Next, I'd ask whether the partner who appears to not be doing any giving is, in fact, incapable of giving at the present time. This is a tough one. Sometimes our partners are in a place where they have emotional healing to do, and they aren't capable of loving in the way we want to be loved. The biggest question here is whether or not healing is in process. If it's in process, then you need to let it be. As married people, we promise to love our spouses in sickness and in health. This is a time of sickness, and you've promised to love. It's really that simple...and that difficult.

The circumstance that specifically comes to mind for me is when a person has been abused sexually and is finding healing within the marriage relationship. A person needs to be in a relationship where they can say no but don't need to. In other words, a woman who has been sexually abused needs to say "no" sometimes and find that she will still be loved and respected. She needs the reassurance that she will not be forced and, in fact, her partner will still love and cherish, honor and respect her, though she cannot give sexually at this particular time. Once a person feels safe in this, they will be able to heal and to give. It's her partner's position to be steadfast and loving, willing to set aside his own needs to help heal those painful wounds. Walter Wangerin says in his book As For Me and My House, "You are married. Healing is not a profession but a way of life. Your spouse is not your patient but your flesh. Healing, then, is a task for your heart as well as your head and your hand. " Marriage is a beautiful place for healing. It isn't easy, but it is well worth the effort.

Of course, when the balance is tipped in the direction of one person's healing for a long time, a marriage can become unhealthy. The above paragraph assumes a steady trajectory toward healing and a balanced relationship. It also assumes that the partner who needs healing is actively working on it, and, typically, this means that they ARE giving to the relationship in some way. If healing isn't happening, it seems to me that the healthy partner needs some boundaries to protect themselves. They need to say exactly what they are and are not willing to give AND they need to find a support system for themselves...friends, family, churches, counselors, whatever to have a network of social outlets and people who listen and care for them.

What if your partner does not respond to your requests, you are speaking their love language, and they are able to give but are refusing? Well, it's like this: You promised to love this person. You didn't just promise to be nice or to tolerate. You promised to love, and loving means giving of yourself, even when you don't get what you want. Except in cases where there has been abuse or unfaithfulness, I believe it's your job to stick with it. This is radical and counter-cultural. Now, I don't think it's anyone's job to be a doormat, and I DO believe in setting good boundaries, as I've already stated.

I believe that unconditional love is powerful and has a certain irresistible draw. If you keep loving your partner unconditionally, regardless of everything...well, very few people refuse to be drawn into that. It's hard not to be swept away by unconditional love, if it's truly unconditional. I'm talking about a love that gives generously and without resentment, that seeks out what your partner really need and meets them where they need it most. Unfortunately, we humans are not capable of this kind of love. And, yes, I'm about to talk about God. I believe that we need something bigger than ourselves to have the power to really love another human being unconditionally. We humans are finite, fragile, broken, imperfect, and we cannot love perfectly without some help. We must be connected to the source of all love, to the God who is Love, in order to offer any kind of unconditional love to another human being. When we find ourselves drained or angry or overwhelmed or resentful, we can only keep loving by drawing on the one Source of infinite love, by calling out for help, by letting God fill our cup until it runs over once more.

It's hard to write about questions like these without a lot of caveats. It's hard to respond without knowing a particular situation. I want you to know that I really, really don't recommend that anyone hang around and be a doormat for their spouse. I don't advocate for one-way relationships. I think they're unhealthy, unbalanced. At the same time, I think there are times when we really need to hang in there while our partners find their own balance and healing. And I think we were put on this earth to love. So, I believe in loving as long and as much as possible...with good boundaries...in the absence of abuse or unfaithfulness. You see how difficult this is to balance or define? I can speak better to specific situations. I define abuse broadly, and, especially if a couple has children, I think protecting one's emotions is just as important as protecting one's physical body. So, it's difficult.

Above all, I believe honesty is the place to begin...honestly speaking your thoughts and needs to your spouse. This is the very first, most common, place where people stumble. If you find yourself living in unbalance ask your partner if you're really giving what they want and be willing to say what you want. Begin there, and you will most likely find your answer.

The Saga of the Double Yolks

2009-12-28T19:11:00.002-06:00

Mango told me this evening that when he made breakfast for Vespera & Novio the day before the wedding, there were 2 eggs with double yolks.

If that doesn't seem impressive in any way...read here or here.

Makes total sense to me...

The Speech I Gave at the Wedding

2009-12-26T14:02:00.002-06:00

It brings us a great deal of joy to be here today to celebrate the marriage of two very wonderful people, Vespera & Novio. It has been so delightful to watch their relationship grow and change over the last several years. As I sat down to write out something I wanted to say, a whole flood of memories filled my mind.

I don't think I'll ever forget the first time I met Novio when he came home with Vespera from Village Park. He shyly leaned over the fence and made polite small talk with us before heading back to his own house. As the weeks passed, this became the Tuesday evening ritual, and by the next spring Vespera (also shyly) told me they we dating.

I will not forget the day Novio brought Vespera a goldfish when she was sick and feeling sad, nor the way he and his best friend showed up early in the morning on her 17th birthday to wake her with a serenade.

I will not forget the summer you spent biking and rollerblading everywhere, nor the winter you both learned to snowboard.

I will not forget Novio sitting in my living room telling me that he loved you, Vespera.

I will not forget the nights the two of you sat together playing guitar in the living room or seeing you paint together on the banks of the Whitewater River.

We have watched you plan parties together, work on homework, cook food, dance, laugh, cry, and tell stories. We saw you both graduate from high school with high honors, and we watched as you both began college this fall, pursuing your goals with determination and courage. You are two very talented and accomplished people. You sharpen each other, and together you have an energy that is more than either of you would be on their own. It is clear to me that God has plans for you, and we pray continually that you will always find yourselves right in the middle of those plans.

Vespera & Novio, you have generously shared your thoughts and your plans, your hopes and joys with us, and we have been honored and privileged to witness the journey that brought you to this day. Now it is our honor to walk beside you as a couple. Of all the beautiful gifts that God has given us, one of the most precious is knowing that our daughter has married someone who loves her deeply and completely, who respects and honors her, and knowing that we would not choose anyone else for her, even if we could. Novio, welcome to our family. We are so happy for you both! Be blessed!

How many times have I traveled this road?

2009-12-23T23:57:00.001-06:00

How many times have I traveled this road?

To church, to school, to work, to my friend's house...home. I know I've traveled it to weddings and birthdays and funerals and baby showers. Alone. With friends.

In the rain.

Crying or laughing or praying or all three.

And like tonight, in the snow, in the wind, with my headlights turning the world into a snow globe. In the snow and the wind while my future husband drove, with my head in his lap. I know I was dreaming and sleeping and my thoughts were of the future and our life together.

Yet never, ever once did I dream of this day. It isn't something I could ever have imagined...in those days when I drove this road every day.

I didn't dream about you in the back seat with your bridesmaids, making a wedding, planning a future, growing our family by yet one more person.

This life is so vast, so outside the lines....like trying to get your mind to go outside your mind.

Though I didn't dream it or plan it or imagine it, you are here, and this reality is so much better than anything I would or could have imagined. It is bigger, more alive, more daring, and so much deeper and more beautiful. A life of heightened contrast.

How many times have I traveled this road?

Many. More than I can count.

And none. None at all.

Why Co-Housing?

2009-12-15T15:57:00.004-06:00

The author of Little House on a Small Planet, Shay Salomen, writes,

"How is it that we have a housing crisis? Maybe a homing crisis, or a sharing crisis, but this isn't a housing crisis."

This was written in a time when the U.S. was considered to be having a housing crisis. Now I think we have, perhaps, a different type of housing crisis, one in which there are too many large expensive homes, and everyone is trying to downsize when downsized houses barely exist. I love how she refers to this as a sharing crisis, though, because it exactly fits how I feel about co-housing/multi-generational housing/intentional community, or whatever else you want to call it. For the purpose of simplicity, it means sharing your house with other adults. Our co-housing adventure begins next week when Vespera & Novio get married (or, perhaps, 2 weeks from now, when they're home from their honeymoon). They'll be living with us.

Why share? Well, to be honest, it makes sense to me as a family therapist, as an environmentalist, and as a Christian. Maybe I'll take those points in backwards order. As Christians we are called to be the church. I spent some time in graduate school really working out what that means and came to the conclusion that my professor, LeRon Schultz, says it best. He spoke of how the church of the Bible was a group of people who were called to live together in community, loving and serving each other, in a way that calls or draws other people to God. In other words, the early church was supposed to share.

All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. (Acts 2:44-47)

They didn't stop having houses or possessions entirely, as evidenced by the fact that they went to each other's houses and ate, but they gladly shared all they had with each other. And, frankly, people were drawn in by that kind of community, by that kind of selflessness and sharing. People became Christians because of the example the early church set. They wanted what that little group of people had. This is our calling...to live in this beautiful relationship with each other in a way that attracts others, that draws them. I have often thought of our house as one of peace and one of healing. It is the deep desire of Mango & I to offer grace and rest to all who enter here. Who better to begin with than our children?

So, secondly, as an environmentalist, shared housing makes so much sense. Why use more natural resources to build more houses when the houses we have are big enough to house more people? Why burn the fuel to heat two houses when we all fit in one? Why use the electricity to light two kitchens and two living rooms? Why buy more dishes and appliances when we can share? It's a matter of environmental stewardship to leave a smaller footprint.

And, finally, as a family therapist, a mother, and a human being, shared housing means we have access to the community we so desperately need. We were not created to spend long hours without the company of others or to take care of all the tasks of daily life alone. Post partum depression is so common for new mothers because they're so isolated. Spending all day with only the company of a small child is exhausting, lonely, and (let's admit it) boring work. I know that I was delighted to learn when Vespera came to us that I was gaining, not simply another daughter, but some thoughtful company and interesting conversation. More people in a house means more opportunities to learn and to grow, to share thoughts, to gather ideas, to be challenged and to challenge others, to be sharpened, to develop into better, more whole and holy people (to throw in some more theology). Not to mention, that shared housing also means dividing responsibilities and multiplying our celebrations!

I cannot say all this without mentioning that I am also an introvert, partial to time alone and a little space to think. I imagine that other introverts reading here are feeling a bit horrified at the suggestion of co-housing. This is why sharing a house requires some healthy people with good boundaries. It can't be done thoughtlessly or without the necessary communication skills. This is, perhaps, another blog post altogether. So, I think I'll leave it at that.

As always, I invite your thoughts, comments, questions, and prayer. Thanks!

Teaching, Timing, Trust

2009-12-10T14:15:00.003-06:00

There are so many things I want my children to know before they are grown. So many things I want to tell them. So many things I want them to know. Every so often I must remind myself of two things. First, that I won't stop telling them things just because they're grown. And, second, that there are many lessons they will and need to learn on their own. Often it's only in retrospect that we can look back and say, "I wish someone had told me that." The truth is that maybe we wouldn't have been able to hear it or it wouldn't have made sense or we would have forgotten anyway because it didn't seem relevant. I think that's why premarital counseling often has so little effect. It's not just that it's young love or that it's all so new and romantic, but when a person just isn't ready for a piece of information, it often goes in the waste bin rather than the file cabinet. They won't need the information until they're in the situation. And that's why parenting is a full time job that never ends. We've got to be there when the timing is right and the wisdom is relevant...which is so often different from the timing we expected.

I was musing the other night about how babies seem to just learn things on their own. I remember having some freakish fear that we needed to be doing something to help Mane learn to crawl, and then one day she just crawled...with no help from us. I think that sometimes we think we're doing something by holding those tiny hands and helping the baby walk across the room, but, strangely enough, most babies will learn to walk whether we practice with them or not. We repeat words to them over and over, "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama," only to have them burst out with "Dada" or "ball" or "cat." Sure, they still learned from us, but not in the way we expected...not by any direct teaching...and certainly in their own way and in their own time. I suppose that's why how we live our lives is more important that what we say. We're being watched even when we're not teaching.

It's such a dance...that knowing when to teach and when to trust. Knowing when you've said or done enough. Even knowing when direct teaching will interfere with the deeper teaching that comes of personal experience. When to say something and when to let the lesson be learned. Holding on. Letting go. Holding back. Pouring forth.

I love it that the verbs "to wait" and "to hope" and "to expect" are the same in Spanish.

Sometimes we must wait.
Hold back.
Keep pace, not running ahead.
And hope, knowing that we have already built the foundation,
And sit on the edge of our seats expectantly,
knowing that something glorious is about to break forth.
All on it's own.
Without our help.

13 Steps of Physical Intimacy - revised & revisted

2009-12-01T23:09:00.002-06:00

For those of you who have seen this before, this is quite a bit altered from the original version I posted...more my own style and with lots more of mine and Mango's thoughts. Enjoy!

The spring break when Vespera was 17, I took her out for coffee/breakfast/smoothies to have some mother-daughter time and talk about the physical aspects of romantic relationships. She and Novio had been dating for about a year at that point, and this was not the first talk we'd had about sex and relationships. This was part of an on-going dialogue, but this was one was a little more focused and specific.

Mango and I wanted to pass on to her some gems we'd gathered from a speech we heard back when we were in college. The speech was based on the steps of physical intimacy, as first described by Desmond Morris. We wanted to talk with Vespera about specific boundaries to help alleviate worries about what's ok & what's not ok in dating, engagement, and marriage. For Vespera, the tendency is not to go too far but, instead, to worry & feel guilty about things that are perfectly fine. Interestingly, we have learned that tendencies on either side can be damaging and unhealthy.

When I dug them up on the internet (which actually proved to be no simple task!), I found a basic list of 13 steps broken into four stages. What you read below is my own commentary on those steps and stages, using only the basic outline.

Stage 1: This stage is about ATTRACTION. It happens without any actual physical contact. It's when individuals are checking each other out and deciding whether they want to proceed with a relationship or not. Included in stage one are steps 1 and 2:

Step 1: Eye to Body - Each person has their own set of things they're attracted to physically. In this first step there's something before the spoken word that catches someone's eye. It wouldn't be right to base someone's worth on their physical attractiveness, but we cannot deny that what we experience of a person first is what we see. This is our first contact with them. As we get to know people better, they often become either more or less attractive to us.

Step 2: Eye to Eye - This is when the two people notice each other. The eye contact is of the flirting variety...no deep eye gazing here. They glance at each other and gauge one another's interest in making further contact.

Stage 2: This stage can best be described as Mind to Mind when two people are getting to know each other and becoming friends. It includes steps 3, 4, and 5.

Step 3: Voice to Voice – This is about talking, sharing similarities and differences...progressing from less personal information to hopes, dreams, values, and future goals. This is the stage that helps people figure out whether the other person is really the kind of person they're looking for or not.

Step 4: Hand to Hand – First touch!! This can be as simple as a helping hand out of a car or jumping across a stream. It's a preliminary touch, a test to see how the other person responds. If the touch is met warmly, the relationship may move forward to hand holding. Hand holding lets the rest of the world know they're together and is symbolic of working together and helping each other.

Step 5: Arm to shoulder – This is closer than holding hands. It's a protective gesture and symbolic of giving and receiving support. If I put my arm around someone, I am letting them know they can depend on me. If I allow them to put their arm around me, I am showing my willingness to depend on them, to rely on them. This doesn't necessarily have to be deeply romantic. It can be an arm thrown over the shoulder in a gesture of good friends, people who are looking out for each other and helping each other.

Stage 3: This is the stage where the relationship definitely becomes ROMANTIC, rather than simply friendship. It includes steps 6, 7, 8, and 9.

Step 6: Arm to Waist – This is a more intimate gesture than throwing one's arm around another's shoulder. The waist is more personal and an arm around the waist pulls the core of the bodies together. The couple is still not face to face, but being close to each other side by side provides a place for them to share their more personal thoughts, feelings and emotions. Couples may find it easier to express their deeper thoughts to each other walking along in this way, without being directly face to face.

Step 7: Face to Face - Kissing! Mango and I have this old copy of Harper's magazine with an article that we simply refer to as "the kissing essay." Somewhere in that essay the author notes, "rapture is found at the threshold where outer meets inner." This goes beyond mind to mind and becomes heart to heart, soul to soul communication.

Here is also where eye gazing also takes place, as opposed to the flirtatious eye contact of step 2. The couple begins to communicate with their eyes and their bodies...with a solid foundation in verbal communication (step 3).

It's important here to not let simple talking fall by the wayside in favor of eye gazing, kissing & hugging. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard for couples is to never expect the other person to know what you want. You must SAY what you want if you're ever going to get it. Having grown up in different families with different styles of communication, each person speaks a somewhat different language than their partner, and one cannot be expected to know what the other wants. It is a beautiful expression of love for one person to do what the other has asked. Nothing is lost in the asking. I note this here because once couples begin a more deeply physical relationship they sometimes think they're done talking about everything, that the other person should know what they want by now, and this simply isn't true.

Step 8: Hand to Head – We know from research that head touching very seldom happens unless people are family members or in a love relationship. To allow someone to touch your head is symbolic of trust because it evokes a feeling of vulnerability. We touch the heads of babies and children out of a feeling of protection, affection, and care. We find them cuddly and loveable. When couples touch each other's heads they are demonstrating those family (familial) feelings for each other.

Step 9: Hand to Body – When two people touch each other’s bodies they express a desire to call someone their own and to belong to that person. Having already connected psychologically & intellectually (mind to mind) and emotionally (heart to heart, soul to soul), they can connect physically with trust and confidence. The hands touch, massage and caress the partner’s body. Hands remain outside the clothing at first. Later the hands move underneath the clothing but stay above the waist, touching skin to skin.

Skin to skin contact causes the body to release a hormone called oxytocin, which feeds feelings of closeness and intimacy. Oxytocin makes a person feel cozy, relaxed, and happy, and it helps strengthen the couple's attachment to each other.

Stage 4: Becoming one Flesh

Step 10: Mouth to Breast – It is so appropriate that this is the first step in becoming One Flesh. It is symbolic of honoring a woman as the (future) mother of the couple's children, as the breasts will someday nurture those children. This is for a couple that has enough commitment to be planning to have children together someday. Because this step involves some level of nakedness, it is necessary for the couple to have a secure, private space to be together. The actual physical space AND the emotional space must be safe and secure for couples to experience this step in a healthy, loving way.

Step 11: Hand to Genital - All of the trust and security that have built in the previous steps are necessary here, as the couple opens the innermost doors of their private selves to each other. Couples must use the skills they have gathered from the previous stages of intimacy to communicate honestly and openly. Here they are vulnerable and need to know that they will be heard, loved, and respected. To touch another person's genitals is to communicate acceptance and love for who they are at this personal, physical level. It is common for people to feel vulnerable and exposed at this stage, and it's important for couples to take their time here, to look each other in the eye, to talk about whatever feelings arise, and to communication reassurance and acceptance. Taking plenty of time at this stage allows couples to really know each other, to get a feel for each other's sexual responses, to play, and to learn each other's bodies.

Step 12: Mouth to Genital – This is a step of total acceptance...allowing oneself to be accepted AND honoring another your with total acceptance of them. Many people have fears and worries associated with oral sex, but God created every bit of our bodies, and the Bible itself speaks of oral sex in the Song of Solomon. Because of the worries that many couples have, this step is another place for couples to take their time, to experiment, and to stay in tune with each other's thoughts and feelings. It's ok to go only as far as the couple desires and to come back to this step if it doesn't seem right at any particular time. It's important to note that many women learn to have orgasms from mouth to genital (step 12) or hand to genital (step 11) touch looooooong before they can have an orgasm with genital to genital contact (step 13). So, if this step makes a couple uncomfortable, but the woman is unable to orgasm during sex, it's worth revisiting this step.

And while we're on the topic, what is an orgasm anyway? According to health.discovery.com, an orgasm is:

"...the sudden discharge [release] of accumulated sexual tension resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region that produce intensely pleasurable sensations followed by rapid relaxation. Orgasm is also in part a psychological experience of pleasure and abandon, when the mind is focused solely on the personal experience. It is sometimes called climaxing or coming."

It's hard to describe, but it's a little like riding a rollercoaster or jumping off a cliff...there's a build up of tension, and then a huge release. Both men and women have a huge rush of that oxytocin hormone mentioned in step 9. A very important note about orgasms, though, is that the more a person tries or feels pressured to have one, the less likely they are to do so. Orgasms come with total release and surrender (see step 13).

Step 13: Genital to Genital - This is making love...making the holy sacrament of marriage complete.

Fitting their bodies together, having already build this strong relationship of love and trust, is one of the most intense physical & emotional experiences a couple can have.

For a woman, letting someone inside, in the middle of herself, and for a man, allowing himself to be enveloped and surrounded, they must both place each other in the middle of their emotions, their hearts and souls. This is why casual sex is wrong. It's not because sex is in any way wrong or immoral. It is the opposite; it is because sex is holy. Sex without deep emotional connection is wrong because it defiles God's purposes for sex. God gave us the gift of sex to let each other into that holy place, in the middle of who we are.

Making love is about surrender, letting go and relaxing fully in each other's embrace...because surrendering to the moment, to the experience, to one's lover, is the only way a person can experience the most intense physical sensations of sex. For a woman, surrender is about letting go of emotional stresses, worries about herself, her body or her sexual performance and just relaxing into the moment. The only way to do that is to have a partner she can trust fully enough to let herself go. Men can often orgasm more easily, and for them the importance of that 'letting go' is less obvious but equally important. For a man, a truly intense and emotional experience will come from releasing control of the situation and surrendering to his desire for his lover. For a woman to lovingly give herself to her husband after he has given her an orgasm creates a time for him let go of everything else and be embraced by the gift of herself and her love. This total trust in each other, this confidence that they can jump off the cliff and be caught...This is love. And this is why it's called making love.

November

2009-11-30T17:58:00.003-06:00

Well...November came and went. The time changed and the dark envelops us earlier in the evening now. Some days I want to laugh and some days I want to cry. Most days I do both. It's not bad, and maybe it's cleansing somehow. It's been a month to cry and laugh about anyway.

I had my appendix out November 4th after some several days of pain that I thought had to do with my ulcer. November 9th I had an endoscopy, which revealed that I do NOT have an ulcer, and the pain of the previous week was entirely related to my appendix. Most likely it's been related to my appendix for the last 4 months. I've currently been free of ulcer medication for 9 days. I had a teensy cup of coffee over the weekend. My stomach feels like a new woman, and I have loads more energy now that I'm not taking medication. Go figure.

Two of my very dear girlfriends came over the weekend after my surgery. We were supposed to be spending a weekend away, but, instead, they came here to be with me. I feel honored to have such loyal and compassionate friends. They paced themselves to my hobbling walk along the sidewalk and never complained about sleeping in the living room.

November 23rd, at almost 3 weeks post-surgery, Mango came down with an awful stomach bug, and we had a trip to the emergency room with him, too. Now, a week later, he's finally feeling ok, and he went back to work today.

In the meantime, we've sort of floated along, thanking God for our lives, crying about the things that feel overwhelming...or even the things that are beautiful and piercing.

My childbirth class ended. I learned about acupuncture. Vespera learned to trust Mango to help her write her college papers. I learned that I cannot edit papers while under the influence of whatever drugs they used to subdue me during the endoscopy. I learned to ask Novio for a little help now and then, and he learned to call me for help, too. I crocheted a doll for the first time. And I currently have a turkey in the oven...something I've only attempted once before. Mane learned to do laundry. But I think she forgot how to do any formal homeschool work. At least it's been nice enough to play outside.

Yes, it's been nice enough to play outside. And Advent has begun. This is the week for lighting the hope candle, and we are feeling deeply the hope of this season....the hope of new relationships, of renewed health, of deep friendships, and, of course, of a God who knows us, loves us, and is present with us.

Stuffed Poblano Peppers

2009-10-29T14:44:00.002-06:00

We did this on a whim. It was Mango's idea. We called Vespera while she was doing her homework at the library to confirm some details. The results were DELICIOUS!

Ok, so take as many poblanos as you wish and burn them over an open burner on the stove. Let them sit in a covered container for a bit, and then the outside skin will peel off...a little like tomato skins when you boil tomatoes.

Brown & season ground beef however you wish.

Slit the peppers & remove seeds but not the stem.

Stuff the peppers with seasoned ground beef and cheese of your choice. We used Juusto baked cheese because it's got a hearty, meaty flavor.

Wisk 2 or 3 eggs in a bowl. In a separate bowl pour some Pamela's gluten free Baking and Pancake Mix. Roll the peppers in the eggs & then in the flour.

Fry them in hot oil on the stove until golden brown, using a tongs to turn them by the stem.

Not too difficult and very yummy!

More Green Smoothies!!

2009-10-29T12:39:00.002-06:00

I made 3 more green smoothies today - 1 for Mane, 1 for Vespera, and 1 for me. My kids are getting totally hooked. What could be better?!

Smoothie #1 (for Mane)
1 cup Brown Cow maple yogurt
1 cup Almond Breeze Original almond milk
1/2 c. frozen cherries
1/2 c. frozen mangoes
1 c. fresh spinach
3 T rich chocolate Ovaltine

Smoothie #2 (for Vespera)
1 c. almond milk
1 scoop Spiru-Tein chai high protein powder
2 c. fresh spinach
1/2 c. frozen mangoes

Smoothie #3 (for Me)
same as Vespera's smooothie, without the mangoes

I tried making a smoothie with kale. Yuck. Some people claim this is among the easiest greens to put in a smoothie. I beg to differ.

Green Smoothies

2009-10-27T10:57:00.003-06:00

So, the mamas on the message board (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/index.php) are all talking about DRINKING their veggies. So, I decided to try it. I must say that after just two days, I'm hooked!

Yesterday I made a smoothie with 1/2 cup frozen strawberries, 2 bananas, 2 cups romaine lettuce, and water. It was good but not great, and Mane hated it. I later read that romaine is one of the hardest greens to "hide" in a smoothie.

Today I made this smoothie:

2 cups of spinach
1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup frozen peaches
1/2 cup frozen cherries
2 pitted dates
1 small banana

YUM!! I don't think it needed the dates. I'm trying to move away from bananas because Mane doesn't like them much, and I'm hoping to get her drinking some green smoothies, too. She wasn't impressed with this one today, either. However, she is sitting here eating a bowl of peas. So, perhaps, I'm being a good influence anyway. She told me I was crazy to post about green smoothies here because nobody could possibly like them. *shrug* Let me know if you try it. ;)

(I'll tag on to this healthy post that the weather has been great this week, and we biked to the clinic & Savers yesterday. Today we biked to the co-op. Last week we spent a lot of time on the bus it was so rainy.)

Announcement

2009-10-26T14:20:00.003-06:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. We here at The Midnight Cafe are in love with love...with the God who is love, with love stories and love songs, and the love between us, our family, and between the couples who make up our family...most newly, Vespera & Novio, as they are now officially engaged!!

We are so delighted. I don't think even Mango and I could imagine two people more perfectly suited to each other, except ourselves, of course. ;) They have worked together, planned events, cooked, danced, biked, hiked, and played guitar. They have gotten angry, cried, made up, and laughed...loud and long. They have held each other, literally and figuratively through some major life changes, pain, and stress. They have generously and openly shared their thoughts and even some struggles with us, and we have been honored and privileged to witness their journey of falling in love. Now it is our honor and privilege to walk beside them as a couple. Of all the beautiful gifts that God has bestowed on us, one of the sweetest is knowing that our precious daughter will marry someone who loves her deeply and completely, who respects her and honors her, and who expresses this love without reserve in word and action.

This is a gift to us, knowing that we would not choose anyone else for her, even if we could. It is a tremendous gift to us because we know what a gift marriage can be. Marriage means we have someone to face the world with us, to share our dreams, goals, stories, work, inside jokes, and warm winter quilts. Marriage can sharpen and refine us, as we rub against each other's sharp edges day in and day out. A marriage rooted and grounded in the love of God has the power to be balm and healing for the places where we are hurt and wounded. Out of our own healing, we can reach out and bring healing to others.

I strongly believe in the concept of synergy - the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. A marriage has the potential to be and to create so much more than those two people working separately. Vespera and Novio have already been through much in their separate lives, and it's clear to me that God has brought them through for a purpose. They were born in two little towns in Mexico, not far apart. And, yet, they found each other here, in Minnesota, several thousand miles from their birthplaces. They found each other here, where they are surrounded by people who love and support them and people who have taught them much. A divine appointment, perhaps? Separately they are talented, courageous, and accomplished individuals. Together they are dynamite waiting to explode! I am convinced that God has plans for them, big plans.

I am curious and excited to see it all unfold. For now, though, I am simply content to walk beside them...to cook dinners and watch movies, to snowboard and camp and sit up late talking. They are our children...and our companions. How fortunate we are.

Riveted

2009-10-25T09:40:00.004-06:00

I spent the evening with my eyes riveted to the girl who unexpectedly changed my life forever.
We were at a soccer game.
I watched her watch the ball...
watched her kick hard, fall down, laugh, sweat, SCORE, run...
Since the day I met her I've admired her courage,
her willingness to push through pain.
And her ability to come out the other side.
I don't think I've ever met anyone who wants to learn more
about everything
and who CAN.
Soccer is where she pushes her body,
college is where she pushes her mind,
and relationships are where she pushes her emotions.
She's had the courage to be the one to make change in relationships,
to be different,
to stand up for herself,
to admit mistakes,
and to forgive.
I kept my eyes on her.
Riveted.
Because who she is
has changed who I am,
and I'm trying to understand who I am.
While all the while she keeps changing, too.
My daughter,
mija,
Evening Prayer,
Vespera.

She turned 19 a few weeks ago, and the words that I couldn't find then started recklessly pouring all over the pages of my mind as I watched her play soccer last night. There's still so much more to say, but this is my Happy Birthday post for her...just a little late.

The Midnight Cafe

Gifts, Among Other Things

One Thousand Gifts - Beginning with 32

It's not here to stay

One Thousand Gifts - the 3rd post

One Thousand Gifts - Edition 2

One Thousand Gifts - Part 1

30 Day Photography Challenge Grand Finale!!

It's so not a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Peregrin House

It's like having a newborn...

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 21 - Faceless Self-Portrait

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 20 - Bokeh

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 19 - Something Orange

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 18 - Your Shoes

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 17 - Technology

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 16 - Long Exposure

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 15 - Silhouette

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 14 - Eyes

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 13 - Yourself with 13 Things

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 12 - Sunset

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 11 - Something Blue

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 10 - Childhood Memory

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 9 - Someone You Love

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 8 - A Bad Habit

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 7 - Fruit

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 6 - From a low angle

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 5 - From a high angle

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 4 - Something Green

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 3 - Clouds

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 2 - What I Wore Today

30 Day Photography Challenge - Day 1 - Self Portrait

A great man is gone...

Drizzle

Thousand Word Thursday

Comments are Fixed

Judgment Seat

Lost and Found

Top book picks of 2010

Big Snow!

A Landing Place

Untitled

Praying this prayer for a friend today...

Life Without Church - Part 3

Life Without Church - Part 2

Life Without Church - Part 1

Ornament

Fly

Music Monday - Swing Life Away

More Questions from Mane

Fluid

Grow

Heavy Metal

Multilayered

Picnic

Ivory

Questions from Mane

Of daisies, streamers, balloon, and bouquets...

I'm honored!

Where There is No Vision - More Marriage Thoughts

Say Yes!

A Call to Lust

Indelible Beginnings

Memory Outside of Memory

"Happiness is..."

Do not let the sun go down...

Resurrection Eggs

Thoughts on Marriage

Talking about Easter

Thoughts on Cohousing

Questions

Things to do in MN

Music Monday - The BIBLE

Thousand Word Thursday

Iditarod XXXVIII

Music Monday - All I Want is You

A GCM Statement: It is Time to Speak Out Against the Teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl

Lenten Change

Lent

What's For Dinner? - Chicken Enchiladas